Another Day

This morning I got up with every intention of going to work. As I lay in bed, I felt like I could honestly make it, but that feeling soon faded. Matthew tapped on the door and laid down beside me. He asked if I was going to work and I said I didn't know. We talked about him returning to his summer program and he said he didn't want to if I was going to be home. We snuggled for a few minutes then I got up and shuffled around the bedroom. He scooted over to my spot and leaned over the bed, looking down at the white wicker basket with the heart shaped box in it. He picked it up gently, looked at it, then set it back down. He told me he thought we should put some pictures of Jonathan up in our bedroom and he wanted one in his room. I told him that would be nice. We talked for a few more minutes about the summer program as I tried to make a decision of rather or not he should go this week.

I asked him to get me the phone so I could call Chris. He asked, "Are you going to cry?" I told him I would try not to, but it's Okay if Mommy does. We walked to the living room and I carried the wicker basket too. Matthew asked, "Mommy, why do you carry that basket around?" I told him that his brother was in it, and I didn't want to..............(insert sobbing).................Matthew finishes my sentence, "You didn't want to leave him alone." I responded with "Yes, Baby."

I talked to Chris and we decided Matthew would stay home with me this week. Chris didn't want me to spend much time by myself. Chris and I talked about the urn for a few minutes and I started crying. When I told him what Matthew had said we discussed doing something with the heart box soon. Chris said, "Even if we have to put it in the curio for awhile." That is not an option for me. I guess we will work the details out this week.

I started picking up dirty clothes off the bedroom floor, clothes that have been there since last week. As I picked up each piece I thought, "I was pregnant last week when I wore this." The emotions came flooding over me. I have those constant reminders from little things, things no one else would think of.

I then took a shower, which seems to be a big deal. I haven't had one since Sunday before the memorial service. As I stood there, I thought about how different my body feels and looks. I don't like this body. I want my baby back. I want the joy of having one of God's miracles growing inside me. I want to feel Jonathan move. I still think I feel him move sometimes, my mind and body playing tricks on me. God, heal my heart and mind, make me whole again.

When we were in the hospital, an organization called Threads of Love provided Jonathan's clothes and blankets. This ministry was such a blessing to us. We received a card that had information about the ministry and some scripture on it. These are the three verses that were listed and I have focused on.

Psalms 119:50- "My comfort in my suffering is this-Your promise preserves my life."

Matthew 9:14- "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Jeremiah 29:10-12- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I cling to this last verse. I cling to the hope and promise of the future. Not necessarily my future on earth, but the future I hold in Heaven with my Father.