Last Thursday, we left for Gatlinburg. My work has been so gracious to us. They paid for our lodging for our trip. It was actually their idea. I was so relieved and overwhelmed with emotion when my boss called me and said they wanted to send us on a trip. Thank you so much North Valley Early Learning Center. You have been so supportive and caring during this time. We love you.
We started packing Thursday morning. That was hard. All the clothes I have that fit were and are maternity. I know I stood at my closet for at least 30 minutes trying to find stuff to wear. With everything I picked I thought, "I was pregnant when I wore this last." Once again, I cried. We finally got packed and then came the part I had been dreading. Before you say anything, I KNOW that Jonathan is in Heaven. But, I was going to have to leave the one physical thing I had been holding on to, the heart shaped box. I set the basket with the box in it on the table. I still had several vases of flowers so I put them around the basket along with the bear Matthew had made Peanut at Build a Bear the week before he was born,and then I put out the stupid lamb. I left the heart shaped box behind. Chris made me, and I knew that was best. I cried again as I left to go to the car. Once again, I was leaving Jonathan. I KNOW he's not there. I KNOW where he is. My arms ached and still ache to hold him though. We should have been going to Gatlinburg as a family of four sometime next year, that is how it was suppose to be.
So we left. We took our Ipods to have music to listen to on the way up there. Matthew did so good on the long trip. He sang a lot and watched a movie. Chris and I talked about things and shed a few tears. It was a good trip.
We got there and decided to see if we could go ahead and check into the cabin. We did and it was so nice. We got settled in, then took Matthew to an arcade in Pigeon Forge. Of course, I got sick while were there. Matthew had a blast and won lots of tickets and got a few prizes. We went to eat and then back to the cabin. My favorite thing to do in Gatlinburg, besides just to be in the mountains, is eat. This time I wasn't able to enjoy it. Every time I ate, I got sick. The doctor gave me Zofran for nausea, but it just gives me headaches.
We stayed busy Friday, even though it was raining, We walked around downtown Gatlinburg. We found a store that does engraving on wood and stone. We had a 6 x 6 square piece of granite engraved with Mark 10:16: "And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Then we had Jonathan's name and date of birth engraved under the verse. What ever we decide to do with the urn, we will use the granite as a marker. It felt good to have that made. The lady who waited on us made the comment that I was holding up well. I wanted to say, "If you could see in my heart, you would think different." But I didn't. I have managed to keep my composure, to most people. Chris seems to get most of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, he is struggling too. I forget that sometimes.
We took Matthew to play putt putt and drive go karts. He smiled from ear to ear. It was good to see him so happy. Before we left for our trip, Matthew prayed. He asked God to let us have a good time and for me to be happy and not cry. He has seen me shed more tears than I ever wanted him to. I've told him that it's OK for Mommy to cry and it is how Mommy's heart heals. He has been so concerned about me. I love that little boy so much.
Saturday was not a good day for me. When I woke up, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. We went to eat. Chris and I both got sick. He has had trouble too. We headed to Cades Cove. Halfway through our drive, I got really sick. We always enjoy going out there, but weren't able to this time. We headed back to the cabin and I napped for about an hour. Later that evening, we went out to eat. I got sick again. We stopped at a place called Hillbilly Village to look around. We bought one of those stick people family stickers to put on our car. We only had three people on the sticker, another reminder we aren't and won't be a family of four. We took Matthew to play putt putt again. He had a blast and got a hole in one twice. He was so excited!
We got up Sunday morning and headed home. Matthew did great again on the long trip back home. Chris and I talked about what we could do with Jonathan and how we needed to try and do something soon. We talked about my job and how I dreaded going back and how he dreaded going back, not just to our jobs, but home too. Back to reality. We talked about scripture and God and if we would be blessed with another child one day. I am not willing to accept the thought that we won't have more children. More than anything, my heart's desire is to have a house full of children. Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a mommy. When I was 10 or so, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would have said a mommy. I am a mommy to a wonderful little boy, but I have so much more love to give.
Chris and I talked about how we wanted to be sure that we were doing what God wants us to do. We don't want to say, "Hey God, this is what we're planning so will You bless it?" We want God to lead us where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. I don't know where or what that is right now. I know God is holding me and He is with me, He has a plan for me, for us. But I do feel so lost. I am just trying to make it through each day right now. I don't really feel like I have a direction. Just to get up in the morning takes everything I have.
My head tells me, it will get better in time. But my heart is so broken. People tell me that I am so strong, but I feel so weak. My body, mind, heart, and soul feel so torn. I am doing good to get out of bed and showered everyday. Anything more takes a lot of thought and effort. I pray that God gives me strength, comfort, hope, courage, peace, direction. I am praying that He is the center of everything I do, everything I say, all of my relationships, especially my relationship with my husband and son. He has been the center at times, when I have let Him, but I have not made Him my constant. I need Him now more than ever....................forever. For always.
A verse Chris and I talked about on our trip was part of Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God." This is what I need to do.......to be still and know that He is God. God is God! To know that He has a plan for me, that He only wants what is best for me. He is my Father and loves me more than my earthly father ever could have. I need to be still. I need to hear His voice. I need to be in His presence.
Another verse I came across was Col. 3:2-4 "set your minds on things that are above, not on things on the earth; for you are dead, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory." This one is hard for me. Set my mind on things that are above!?! Lord, help me to do this. I seem to focus so much on the pain I'm feeling. I just want to focus on Him. I just want to heal. I miss my Jonathan so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss the hope and dreams we had for him. All the plans we had made. But, they were not His plan. He knows what is best. It is still a lot for me to accept.
Please continue to pray for us. I am trying so hard to focus on Him, to focus on these verses, to focus on healing, on my family. Sometimes I am just consumed by my sorrow. It is overwhelming.