Thursday, August 27, 2009

3 Months Ago Today

So I haven't written in over 2 months, and what a title to come up with, huh? I have been angry for a while now. Not just angry, and even though I don't like this word and try not to use it often, but I have just been pissed. About what, you might ask? Life in general. I don't really know who I'm angry with, not God, not the doctors, I don't know!

I looked up the stages of grief and anger is one of them. However, I'm tired of being angry. It makes life more difficult for yourself and family. I'm getting through it. Just not as quickly as I would like.

Three months ago today, is the day our world came crashing down. I am home sick with the flu today and the memories of May 27 consume me. I miss my Jonathan so much. I want to hold him again and smell him and kiss him.

I was thinking the other day about holding him. I remember how cold he was, like a little block of ice. I kept wrapping him up in his blanket and then I would hold him next to my chest under my blanket, trying to warm him up. That sounds crazy, I know. It just wasn't suppose to be like this. I'm still searching for God's answers through this. Not His answers, but some sort of direction, comfort, peace. Maybe I don't even know what I'm searching for. I'm just taking it one day at a time and doing my best to put my trust in my Savior.

On another subject, Saturday, I'll be participating in a 5k called Baby Steps in memory of Jonathan. All proceeds go to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. The Amelia Center offers free grief counseling for people who have lost loved ones, especially children. The date will be August 29 and that is the day my baby shower was planned for. I can't think of a better way to spend the day, than doing something to help someone else and I'll have friends and family there to support me.

Keep praying for us and I'll try to post more often.