Thursday, August 27, 2009

3 Months Ago Today

So I haven't written in over 2 months, and what a title to come up with, huh? I have been angry for a while now. Not just angry, and even though I don't like this word and try not to use it often, but I have just been pissed. About what, you might ask? Life in general. I don't really know who I'm angry with, not God, not the doctors, I don't know!

I looked up the stages of grief and anger is one of them. However, I'm tired of being angry. It makes life more difficult for yourself and family. I'm getting through it. Just not as quickly as I would like.

Three months ago today, is the day our world came crashing down. I am home sick with the flu today and the memories of May 27 consume me. I miss my Jonathan so much. I want to hold him again and smell him and kiss him.

I was thinking the other day about holding him. I remember how cold he was, like a little block of ice. I kept wrapping him up in his blanket and then I would hold him next to my chest under my blanket, trying to warm him up. That sounds crazy, I know. It just wasn't suppose to be like this. I'm still searching for God's answers through this. Not His answers, but some sort of direction, comfort, peace. Maybe I don't even know what I'm searching for. I'm just taking it one day at a time and doing my best to put my trust in my Savior.

On another subject, Saturday, I'll be participating in a 5k called Baby Steps in memory of Jonathan. All proceeds go to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. The Amelia Center offers free grief counseling for people who have lost loved ones, especially children. The date will be August 29 and that is the day my baby shower was planned for. I can't think of a better way to spend the day, than doing something to help someone else and I'll have friends and family there to support me.

Keep praying for us and I'll try to post more often.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day

So, I haven't written in awhile. I just haven't felt like writing. Some days I feel emotionless and other days the emotions flood me. I try not to think about everything that has happened. It seems to be the only way I can function, if I just push it to the back of my mind.

Today is Father's Day. Chris and I haven't talked about the loss of Jonathan today or really much at all lately. I have not wanted to bring it up. He will always be a daddy to two boys to me.

We went to church this morning and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in probably a month in a half. She is pregnant. I asked her how she was, if she knew what she was having yet. I just tried to make small talk. She asked how I was doing and I said fine, assuming she knew what had happened. She asked if I knew what I was having. I think I looked at her dumbfounded for just a minute, then I told her we had a little boy May 27 and he was still born. She started tearing up and, of course, I did too. She apologized profusely and I told her it was fine. I could have laid down and cried like a baby in the middle of church, but I didn't it. However, that one comment seemed to change the whole course of my day, my whole attitude. I hate that! Here I am, suppose to be celebrating what an awesome husband I have and how great a father he is to our son and I let one little honest accidental comment throw me for a loop.

I have been doing better. Before today, I haven't cried since Wednesday at my doctor's appointment. I hate being so emotional and feeling so unbalanced. I never know if something is going to make me laugh or cry, and poor Chris gets all the bad stuff because I don't know what or who to give it to. Maybe I should buy a pinata and just beat the stuffing out of it. Of course, I would have to fill it up with candy first so after I have a maniac attack on it, I can drown my sorrow in candy. How does that sound? Chris's birthday is Friday and I might need to purchase a pinata for his 39th birthday. I'll run the idea by him. He might want to take a lick at it too.

I am feeling better day by day. I honestly feel like God has given me some sort of peace and comfort through all this. I was listening to WDJC the other day and the dj shared a devotional. The scripture was Romans 5:2b-4 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I love those verses. I do have hope.

Happy Father's Day!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mad

It has been 15 days since I gave birth to my second son. The pain is still raw. I don't feel like writing much. I went to my doctor yesterday for an ultrasound of my gall bladder. They wanted to rule out any problems with it since I've been throwing up all the time. I told them it was just stress and nerves. It was painful going back to that office. Same room, same ultrasound tech, 2 weeks to the day I last saw Jonathan. His heart still beating.

The u/s tech gave me a hug and condolences first thing. I showed her the photo album of Jonathan. We both cried. She asked if it happened the same day as my last u/s. I told her I delivered him 3 hours and 56 minutes later. We both cried. As she did the u/s, I looked away from the monitor as far as I could. There was nothing there I wanted to see anymore. I cried. She gave me the last u/s pictures of Jonathan. I didn't take a cd with me, May 27. I wasn't thinking and I was in too much pain. The pictures she gave me are on x ray film. It makes me mad when I look at them. At 3:24pm, Jonathan's heart was beating. Who or what am I mad at? I don't know!?! I told Chris and my dear friend Julie, who took me to the doctor, I wanted to kick the u/s tech in the knee and run away. That's real mature, right?

So I'm mad now! I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, confused.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Gatlinburg

Last Thursday, we left for Gatlinburg. My work has been so gracious to us. They paid for our lodging for our trip. It was actually their idea. I was so relieved and overwhelmed with emotion when my boss called me and said they wanted to send us on a trip. Thank you so much North Valley Early Learning Center. You have been so supportive and caring during this time. We love you.

We started packing Thursday morning. That was hard. All the clothes I have that fit were and are maternity. I know I stood at my closet for at least 30 minutes trying to find stuff to wear. With everything I picked I thought, "I was pregnant when I wore this last." Once again, I cried. We finally got packed and then came the part I had been dreading. Before you say anything, I KNOW that Jonathan is in Heaven. But, I was going to have to leave the one physical thing I had been holding on to, the heart shaped box. I set the basket with the box in it on the table. I still had several vases of flowers so I put them around the basket along with the bear Matthew had made Peanut at Build a Bear the week before he was born,and then I put out the stupid lamb. I left the heart shaped box behind. Chris made me, and I knew that was best. I cried again as I left to go to the car. Once again, I was leaving Jonathan. I KNOW he's not there. I KNOW where he is. My arms ached and still ache to hold him though. We should have been going to Gatlinburg as a family of four sometime next year, that is how it was suppose to be.

So we left. We took our Ipods to have music to listen to on the way up there. Matthew did so good on the long trip. He sang a lot and watched a movie. Chris and I talked about things and shed a few tears. It was a good trip.

We got there and decided to see if we could go ahead and check into the cabin. We did and it was so nice. We got settled in, then took Matthew to an arcade in Pigeon Forge. Of course, I got sick while were there. Matthew had a blast and won lots of tickets and got a few prizes. We went to eat and then back to the cabin. My favorite thing to do in Gatlinburg, besides just to be in the mountains, is eat. This time I wasn't able to enjoy it. Every time I ate, I got sick. The doctor gave me Zofran for nausea, but it just gives me headaches.

We stayed busy Friday, even though it was raining, We walked around downtown Gatlinburg. We found a store that does engraving on wood and stone. We had a 6 x 6 square piece of granite engraved with Mark 10:16: "And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Then we had Jonathan's name and date of birth engraved under the verse. What ever we decide to do with the urn, we will use the granite as a marker. It felt good to have that made. The lady who waited on us made the comment that I was holding up well. I wanted to say, "If you could see in my heart, you would think different." But I didn't. I have managed to keep my composure, to most people. Chris seems to get most of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, he is struggling too. I forget that sometimes.

We took Matthew to play putt putt and drive go karts. He smiled from ear to ear. It was good to see him so happy. Before we left for our trip, Matthew prayed. He asked God to let us have a good time and for me to be happy and not cry. He has seen me shed more tears than I ever wanted him to. I've told him that it's OK for Mommy to cry and it is how Mommy's heart heals. He has been so concerned about me. I love that little boy so much.

Saturday was not a good day for me. When I woke up, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. We went to eat. Chris and I both got sick. He has had trouble too. We headed to Cades Cove. Halfway through our drive, I got really sick. We always enjoy going out there, but weren't able to this time. We headed back to the cabin and I napped for about an hour. Later that evening, we went out to eat. I got sick again. We stopped at a place called Hillbilly Village to look around. We bought one of those stick people family stickers to put on our car. We only had three people on the sticker, another reminder we aren't and won't be a family of four. We took Matthew to play putt putt again. He had a blast and got a hole in one twice. He was so excited!

We got up Sunday morning and headed home. Matthew did great again on the long trip back home. Chris and I talked about what we could do with Jonathan and how we needed to try and do something soon. We talked about my job and how I dreaded going back and how he dreaded going back, not just to our jobs, but home too. Back to reality. We talked about scripture and God and if we would be blessed with another child one day. I am not willing to accept the thought that we won't have more children. More than anything, my heart's desire is to have a house full of children. Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a mommy. When I was 10 or so, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would have said a mommy. I am a mommy to a wonderful little boy, but I have so much more love to give.

Chris and I talked about how we wanted to be sure that we were doing what God wants us to do. We don't want to say, "Hey God, this is what we're planning so will You bless it?" We want God to lead us where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. I don't know where or what that is right now. I know God is holding me and He is with me, He has a plan for me, for us. But I do feel so lost. I am just trying to make it through each day right now. I don't really feel like I have a direction. Just to get up in the morning takes everything I have.

My head tells me, it will get better in time. But my heart is so broken. People tell me that I am so strong, but I feel so weak. My body, mind, heart, and soul feel so torn. I am doing good to get out of bed and showered everyday. Anything more takes a lot of thought and effort. I pray that God gives me strength, comfort, hope, courage, peace, direction. I am praying that He is the center of everything I do, everything I say, all of my relationships, especially my relationship with my husband and son. He has been the center at times, when I have let Him, but I have not made Him my constant. I need Him now more than ever....................forever. For always.

A verse Chris and I talked about on our trip was part of Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God." This is what I need to do.......to be still and know that He is God. God is God! To know that He has a plan for me, that He only wants what is best for me. He is my Father and loves me more than my earthly father ever could have. I need to be still. I need to hear His voice. I need to be in His presence.

Another verse I came across was Col. 3:2-4 "set your minds on things that are above, not on things on the earth; for you are dead, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory." This one is hard for me. Set my mind on things that are above!?! Lord, help me to do this. I seem to focus so much on the pain I'm feeling. I just want to focus on Him. I just want to heal. I miss my Jonathan so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss the hope and dreams we had for him. All the plans we had made. But, they were not His plan. He knows what is best. It is still a lot for me to accept.

Please continue to pray for us. I am trying so hard to focus on Him, to focus on these verses, to focus on healing, on my family. Sometimes I am just consumed by my sorrow. It is overwhelming.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

So, I think I left off at Thursday morning, May 28. By 5:15, I was calling close friends to let them know what happened. Well, I was dialing numbers and Chris was doing the talking. Our minister of music was at the hospital first thing with McDonald's in hand. Our pastor was there shortly after. We have such an awesome church. They have supported us so much through all this. If you are reading this, thank you. Two of my good friends showed up later in the morning. I asked to see Jonathan again. They brought him to us in a tiny wicker bassinet. The side of his head was bruised from how he had been laying all night and things were starting to settle. I know he wasn't really there, but it broke my heart even more to see him like that.

My in laws came by and brought Matthew. My best friend, Julie, took Matthew down to the gift shop and bought him candy and a toy shark. My MIL held Jonathan again while they were gone. My other good friend, Kristen, had her camera with her and took pictures of Jonathan, me, and Chris. That was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those pictures and for good friends who are willing to do things, even when they're uncomfortable. Kristen and Julie got to hold Jonathan too. It was nice to share him with others. He was so beautiful, even in death. He was perfect.

We made the arrangements. So many decisions to make so quickly. I felt like we didn't have time to think. We decided to cremate Jonathan and have a memorial service at our church. Once again, our church family has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of us. We needed some direction and someone to talk all this out with, and we found it. Thank you God! Our church family has been such a blessing through all this.

We had visitors for awhile and then it was quiet. The hospital chaplain came by to pray with us. When she walked in, she asked if I was holding a stuffed bear. I told her no, it was my baby. She said nothing for a few moments, then prayed with us. After she left, I told Chris to go ahead and run home so he could shower and take care of the dogs. I was going to try and rest, but couldn't. I held Jonathan the whole time Chris was gone. I talked to Chris on the phone a few times and to Julie again. Several people called during that time. The funeral home was suppose to come pick Jonathan up around 3:30. I think it was almost 4 when the nurse came back in. I asked the nurse when they were coming to pick him up and told her she could take him. I kissed him on the cheek and wrapped him up real tight. That was so hard. I know that he had already passed, but to actually have to physically give him away................I can't think of the words to describe the pain I felt. At 7:20PM on May 27, Jonathan had already passed, but I was still holding my baby. I didn't really want him to go. I wasn't ready to let him go, but he needed to. His little hands had started curling up and his skin was so thin. His little gown made an indention in his chin from the way I had been holding him for so long. It was time for him to go. I called Chris and cried. In that moment, I felt so alone.

Chris came back to the hospital and we had visitors the rest of the night till about 10. We tried to rest, but were unsuccessful. They continued to give me IV antibiotics throughout the night. Friday we were able to get ready to go home. My mother finally showed up to visit for a few minutes. After her visit, I got up to take a shower. The nurse came by and brought me a stuffed lamb. A lovely parting gift (insert obnoxious tone here)..........................stupid lamb. Chris went down to bring the car around and the cna wheeled me out. As I rolled out, I carried the lamb. I heard a newborn baby cry just a few doors down. Stupid lamb! I left the hospital holding a stuffed animal lamb when I should be holding my baby. STUPID LAMB!!!!!......................................I cried when I got into the car.

On the way home, we stopped to pick Matthew up. I sat in the car while Chris ran into his mom's. We got home and I laid on the couch. Ants had invaded our kitchen while we were gone (a whole 2 days). Chris got busy cleaning out cabinets. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. While he was gone, the funeral home called. Jonathan was ready to be picked up. I cried uncontrollably. I called Chris to tell him we would need to go pick up Jonathan when he got home. Matthew was so sweet and just loved on me. Matthew asked what we were going to do. I told him we were going to pick up Jonathan. He didn't really understand. I tried to explain it to him and when Chris got home he explained it too, the best he could. Matthew just said OK.

My heart was so heavy as we were driving there. At times, I couldn't breathe. Chris went into get Jonathan. I just couldn't get out of the car. On the way home, I held the little blue velvet box that contained the silver heart urn. I cried. On the way home, the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on. Matthew knew all the words. He sang it, and sang it loud. That moment was so surreal. I was listening to my son sing praises to Jesus and holding the remains of my other son who is with my Savior. God is good!

The next day or so was a blur. I remember Saturday going to Russ and Amanda's house first thing. Amanda created a scrapbook of Jonathan and enlarged and framed some photos of him for the memorial service Sunday. We came home and laid on the couch till the afternoon. We had visitors in and out till about 10 that night. It was nice to have the company. So many people loving on us during such a dark time. Sunday was coming soon and Chris and I were dreading it.

I've already written about the service, so I won't go there again. One thing I didn't write about is what happened on the way to the church. I was holding the little white wicker basket that held the heart shaped urn and "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on again. Matthew sang his heart out once again. Once again, I cried. Holding one son and listening to the other sing. So beautiful, it is a moment that will be forever etched into my mind.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

One Week Ago Today

One week ago today, I gave birth to a precious baby boy. I had no idea it would end like this, no indication I would come home empty handed. It just happened, and it happened fast. I ask Why? a hundred times a day. There are no answers. I seek the peace and comfort that only God can give me and it feels like it is still so far out of reach. It will come. In time, it will come.

One week ago today, before 7:20PM, I was pregnant. I had been pregnant for 20 weeks, 4 days. So many hopes and dreams of new life shattered. Yet at the same time, those same hopes and dreams renewed. My baby is with his true Father, the One who created him. Jonathan is whole and will never experience the pain of this world. Praise God!

Wednesday morning, May 27, 2009, was just another morning. Chris, Matthew, and I were all excited because we would be leaving for Gatlinburg, TN on Thursday. We hadn't had a family vacation in three years and were really looking forward to it. I had talked to Dr. B the previous week and she said I would be fine. My instructions were to stay hydrated, stop often on the trip there and back to walk around, expect more bleeding due to increased activity. I would see her at my next appointment, June 3.

I got up, dropped Matthew off at his summer program, and went to work. After I got to work, I started cramping a little. Nothing new. I had cramped on and off throughout the pregnancy and usually it just meant the bleeding would increase, but the baby was fine. The cramping continued throughout the morning and I took some Tylenol. It didn't seem to help. By lunch time, I called my doctor. I apologized like I always did for having to bother them. My friends and I joked about my weekly visits and how I was always calling the nurse. The nurse called me back and asked if the Tylenol had helped any, to which I responded no. Dr. B wanted me to come on in for my weekly ultrasound, so my appointment was set for 3:20. I left work around 2:15. I checked in the office at 3:15. By then the cramps were stronger. I asked if they were running on time and told the receptionist I was cramping pretty bad. By 3:45, I was in the ultrasound room. Just as I expected, Jonathan was fine. His heart rate was 150. He had good movement. He was head down, which I thought was strange. He had never been like that before. The hematoma was still there, but Jonathan's head was pressing on it. Dr. B said that is why I was cramping. I would be passing a lot more blood, hopefully the whole hematoma and by next week this would all be over with. I would be a normal pregnant woman with no complications. She told me to go home, lie down, take Tylenol, a warm bath, and apply a heating pad. So I left.

I called Chris as I left the hospital to fill him in. I started cramping so bad, I was having trouble driving. I finally made it home after breaking the speed limit. The cramping had gotten 10 times worse and I could barely stand it. I should have turned around and went back to the hospital. I told myself that as I was driving home. I didn't want to be the overreacting pregnant lady so I ignored my instincts. Chris arrived home about 20 minutes after me. By the time he came in, I was yelling, "Oh God, please help me," and crying. It only took 3 or 4 minutes for Chris to decide I was going to the ER. He called the after hours number, the doctor didn't call back. He called again when we got in the car and told them we were headed to the ER. During this time, Chris's mom had come to the house to pick up Matthew. Poor Matthew was so worried. I didn't even greet him when Chris brought him home. I couldn't talk or focus, I was hurting so bad.

On the way to the ER, I kept my eyes closed for the most part. Every time a wave of pain would hit me, I would open them to look at the clock. I then realized I was having back labor, contractions 2 minutes apart. We got to the ER. They came out and got me in a wheelchair. Chris had to go park the car and I was trying to explain to them what wass going on. I told them I had just been at the doctor's office. The baby was fine then, just 2 hours before. I was having contractions two minutes apart and I was yelling, "Please Lord, help me." I am surprised I didn't clear the ER out. They told me they were going to give me something for the pain and they could hook me up to the fetal monitor. Twice they told me they can hook me up to the fetal monitor. They never did. I don't know what good it would have done except tell me the exact time Jonathan's heart stopped beating. And, that would just be another number for me to remember.

They finally got an IV started and gave me Demerol and phenergan. I had been throwing up. I guess from the pain, I don't know.The pain was still unbearable so they gave me more Demerol. During all this, they are trying to get in touch with the OB on call. He was in an emergency c section. I started bleeding pretty bad. Twice I felt large amounts of blood and told Chris I was bleeding bad. He looked and confirmed it. The ER doctor finally came in and checked me. At the ultrasound earlier in the afternoon, my cervix was totally closed. When the ER doctor checked me, my cervix was totally closed. We were still waiting on the OB to call back. I think we got to the ER close to 6 and the ER doctor checked me sometime around 7, I think. Chris is better with the time because I was in and out. At around 7:20PM, I felt a huge gush of blood. I told Chris I was bleeding bad. It was just the two of us in the room. He looked and said, "Oh my God." I knew what had happened. He yelled down the hall, "Someone get in here. My wife is bleeding and she just had the baby."

I remember just crying out, "Why God? Why is this happening?" over and over again. Chris and I just held each other and cried uncontrollably. More like sobbed uncontrollably. The ER doctor and two nurses ran in. They cut the cord and wrapped Jonathan up. The OB doctor came in shortly after that. He finished up with me then asked if he could pray with us. I asked for my baby. He was so perfect. All 10.4 ounces, 8 1/2 inches of him. He looked just like Matthew, only much smaller. He had bushy blond eyebrows and a little blond moustache. So beautiful! I held him as they carried me up to labor and delivery. When we got there, we spent a few more minutes with him. They asked if they could take him to clean him up and dress him. I was shocked. We didn't have any clothes for him. They did though, which was such a blessing. Thank you Threads of Love for the clothes and blankets. We will treasure them always.

The OB doctor on call, a different Dr.B, was surprised I never did deliver the placenta. They had given my 2 shots after the delivery to make my uterus contract, they didn't work. The anesthesiologist came in to start an epidural because Dr. B was practically laying on top of me pressing on my abdomen. It hurt as bad as the contractions. So I got an epidural and he tried again to press on my abdomen. I could still feel it so I had more meds through my epidural. After trying several times, he decided I needed a D&C. Before I went back to the OR, Chris's mom came and got to hold Jonathan too. Chris told Matthew what had happened and Matthew sobbed. I was not with Chris when he told him. It breaks my heart I couldn't hold Matthew during that time and try to comfort him. We didn't let Matthew see Jonathan. We didn't think it would be good for him. We had just buried my grandmother 2 weeks ago and he had seen her. I didn't want him to have this memory too.

Dr.B told us the placenta was embedded in scar tissue that formed after my c section with Matthew. He gave us the the run down on the possibility of a hysterectomy if he could not control the bleeding. We told him to pray I didn't have to have that but to do whatever he needed to do. The procedure went smoothly. We held Jonathan again before they moved us to another room. Jonathan had such long hands and feet. The nurses even commented on how muscular he was. I held his hand, stroked his head. I held him as tight as I could. I didn't want to let him go. The nurse came back to take him away for the night. The rest of the night, I was in and out.

We were both up and moving by 5Am Thursday. My Dr.B came in Thursday morning. She was very remorseful and apologetic. The diagnosis of the events that occurred: placental abruption. It seems that the placenta never reattached like we all that it had. Dr. B apologized for giving us false hope. She thought we were in the clear too.

I'm exhausted writing and recalling all of this, so I will stop for now. There are still a few events I want to share and I will in the next day or so. It all just happened so fast. I still have so many questions. Why didn't the doctors stop the contractions? Why didn't they hook me up to a monitor? Why didn't I turn around and go back to the hospital when the pain got worse? Why is this happening to me, to us? Jonathan looked perfect, so what am I being saved from? What was he being saved from? I could question every detail of that day all day long, but all I'm doing is driving myself crazy. It wasn't meant to be.


When the complications started back in March, I was scared. My diagnosis when I left the ER was threatened miscarriage. I balled when I saw those two words in black and white. The ER doctor then told us the possiblilty of a D & C if the bleeding didn't stop. I came home from the ER that day and googled D & C. When I read the information, I prayed to God to please spare me from that procedure. To me, it sounded just like what an abortion would be like. This baby was wanted deeply, not just by us, but by family and friends. God answered my prayer then. He spared me from the procedure. He allowed me to carry my baby and deliver him, so that I would be able to see him whole. To hold him, smell him, kiss him. I praise God for that blessing!


Jonathan is with our Savior now. I should be happy. We all want the best for our children and Jonathan has the best. He is with THE BEST. I should be jealous. But, I am selfish. I am human. I still want my baby with me. I am not angry. I am confused. I am lost. I am broken.

I know I am a child of God. I know He loves me. I know He is holding me. I know He feels my pain and sorrow. I know He willingly gave His Son so that I can have eternal life. So that Jonathan can have eternal life. So that you can have eternal life. Can you believe He gave His Son WILLINGLY? Here I am whining about my son's death and God GAVE His Son. No questions asked. What an awesome God I serve!

I have moments where I feel His comforting wrapped around me and moments when I cry out to Him in pain. Hold me God! Give me peace. Give me guidance. Give me strength. Give me hope. Strengthen my faith. Help me to praise You. To give You all the glory You deserve. You gave me a son for 20 weeks, 4 days and for that I praise You. You are an awesome God!

Jeremiah 29:10-12 " I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I use to love this song and have just thought about it the past few days. I will try to upload it later, but here are the lyrics.

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

REMINDER

My doctor's office just called to about my weekly appointment tomorrow. I have had weekly appointments since my first scare back in March. As I burst into tears, I told the receptionist my baby was still born last Wednesday. There was a moment of silence and then she asked if I could hold. I waited for just a few seconds and she returned asking when I wanted to make my follow up appointment. I told her you name it and I'll be there. I really didn't care when or if I go back right now. So June 17 I will go. A few minutes after I hung up with the receptionist, my doctor called from her cell phone. She was very apologetic and said she had thought she had told everyone so I would not receive any calls. I told her it was fine, I wasn't mad. She asked if I needed anything and how I was. I do have a great doctor. She assured me when I come in for my appointment they will escort me back right away so I am not sitting in the waiting room with all the other pregnant women. I thought to myself, but I'm suppose to be one of those pregnant women. One tiny mistake is just another reminder of what I've lost.

God give me strength.

Another Day

This morning I got up with every intention of going to work. As I lay in bed, I felt like I could honestly make it, but that feeling soon faded. Matthew tapped on the door and laid down beside me. He asked if I was going to work and I said I didn't know. We talked about him returning to his summer program and he said he didn't want to if I was going to be home. We snuggled for a few minutes then I got up and shuffled around the bedroom. He scooted over to my spot and leaned over the bed, looking down at the white wicker basket with the heart shaped box in it. He picked it up gently, looked at it, then set it back down. He told me he thought we should put some pictures of Jonathan up in our bedroom and he wanted one in his room. I told him that would be nice. We talked for a few more minutes about the summer program as I tried to make a decision of rather or not he should go this week.

I asked him to get me the phone so I could call Chris. He asked, "Are you going to cry?" I told him I would try not to, but it's Okay if Mommy does. We walked to the living room and I carried the wicker basket too. Matthew asked, "Mommy, why do you carry that basket around?" I told him that his brother was in it, and I didn't want to..............(insert sobbing).................Matthew finishes my sentence, "You didn't want to leave him alone." I responded with "Yes, Baby."

I talked to Chris and we decided Matthew would stay home with me this week. Chris didn't want me to spend much time by myself. Chris and I talked about the urn for a few minutes and I started crying. When I told him what Matthew had said we discussed doing something with the heart box soon. Chris said, "Even if we have to put it in the curio for awhile." That is not an option for me. I guess we will work the details out this week.

I started picking up dirty clothes off the bedroom floor, clothes that have been there since last week. As I picked up each piece I thought, "I was pregnant last week when I wore this." The emotions came flooding over me. I have those constant reminders from little things, things no one else would think of.

I then took a shower, which seems to be a big deal. I haven't had one since Sunday before the memorial service. As I stood there, I thought about how different my body feels and looks. I don't like this body. I want my baby back. I want the joy of having one of God's miracles growing inside me. I want to feel Jonathan move. I still think I feel him move sometimes, my mind and body playing tricks on me. God, heal my heart and mind, make me whole again.

When we were in the hospital, an organization called Threads of Love provided Jonathan's clothes and blankets. This ministry was such a blessing to us. We received a card that had information about the ministry and some scripture on it. These are the three verses that were listed and I have focused on.

Psalms 119:50- "My comfort in my suffering is this-Your promise preserves my life."

Matthew 9:14- "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Jeremiah 29:10-12- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I cling to this last verse. I cling to the hope and promise of the future. Not necessarily my future on earth, but the future I hold in Heaven with my Father.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jonathan Andrew

Jonathan Andrew Fincher born May 27, 2009

Me and Jonathan

Daddy and Jonathan

Random

I tried to get up and motivated to go to work this morning. I didn't make it far. I laid in bed for awhile, stroking the little heart shaped urn and sobbing. I got up after awhile and went to Matthew's room. I watched him sleep for a minute and then crawled in the bed next to him. He is such an amazing little boy. I laid in bed with him for for about 15 minutes and stroked his hair and kissed his cheeks. He then popped up with his big blue eyes and said, "I'm ready to get up now." I fixed him breakfast and got his clothes together and then Chris called to check on me. When he asked how I was doing, I lost it again. I was going to continue to get ready for work, but I just couldn't. I called work and let my boss know. My boss has been wonderful and didn't even expect me to come back this week at all. I told her I would attempt it again tomorrow. Maybe in a few days I'll actually make it through the front doors. So now I'm laying on the couch, heart shaped box beside me.

This morning I was thinking about when Matthew was born, how I worried about him even when was I sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he was still beside me in the bassinet, still breathing. If he was in the bed with us, I would wake up to make sure Chris or I hadn't rolled over on him. Now that I've had Jonathan, I find myself doing the same thing. I wake up looking for him, making sure he is OK. Guess what? He's not there. I usually come to my senses and find the little heart shaped box and pull it back beside me. God give me peace, give me sanity when I feel at times I've lost mine.

One thing I've noticed the past few days is that I am very forgetful. In mid sentence or thought, my mind draws a blank. I forget what I'm doing, what I'm looking for. Last night I started to pack Matthews lunch for his summer program today. I usually finish packing his lunch in the mornings and I felt a sense of panic come over me because I was afraid I would forget his lunch tomorrow. I remember when my dad died seven years ago, I went through something similar. I would forget things a lot and lose my train of thought. I became an obsessive list maker. I think that is where I'm heading again. At one time shortly after my dad passed away, I told Chris I felt like something in my brain had disconnected or come loose. That sounds crazy, I know, but I don't know a better way to describe it. I feel sorry for Matthew having to deal with everything, especially my absent mindedness and emotional roller coaster ride right now. He is such a great kid.

Another random thought for this post. At the memorial service we had pictures of Jonathan out and a photo album that a dear friend put together for us. I was thinking how these are the only photos I will ever have of him. There will be no trips to Portrait Innovations involving multiple outfit changes and lots of crying and fussing. The pictures I have are beautiful, but they are of a child who never even took his first breath in this fallen world. Really, that is a blessing. All he has ever known and ever will know is Heaven. How awesome is that! Back to my original thought: I won't be carrying wallet size photos around of him to show off. Nobody wants to hear you say, "Would you like to see a picture of my dead baby?" A blessing and a disappointment at the same time. I am trying to see the good, the blessings, through all this.

I am looking for comfort in Him, in His word, through the blinding pain. I am praying God will use me, use Jonathan, to bring Glory to Him. What does God want me to do with this? How can I serve Him through this? How can I help others when I feel like I can barely help myself right now? Lord, give me the answers. Show me Your way. Through this, I will praise You.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Memorial Day

Today was Jonathan's memorial service. All morning I was dreading it. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. (The next section contains TMI or too much information. My sensor is broken right now so just deal with it.) This morning, in the shower, my boobs were killing me. Wouldn't you know it, my milk came in. Just one more reminder that I no longer have my baby. My body is not doing what God made it to do, so I suffer through.

The memorial service was perfect. Pastor Chris did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for a better service. It was hard to get through it, but we made it. I felt like I could have lain in the floor and thrown a fit. However, I was able to control myself. I pinched my nose hard and held my breath as much as I could. I constantly had to remind myself to breathe.

The hard part is over, right? It gets easier from here on out, right? I don't know. I pray that it does. If I didn't have Matthew, I might not get out of bed for awhile. But, he needs me and I need him. He has been such an awesome boy through all this. He'll come up, give me hugs and kisses, and say, "This is for you and this is for Jonathan." I am truly blessed to have such a special child.

Since we got home Friday I've been carrying the tiny urn around the house. I guess I am not mentally stable right now and in crazy mode. I know Jonathan is in Heaven. I know he is not here, but it's all I have right now. If he were physically here with me, breathing and crying, I wouldn't leave him in another room or on a shelf. At night, I put the urn in the bed with me and that's where it stays till the morning. I am crazy right now, but I'm dealing with the loss the best I can. If I'm still doing this in six months, I'll check myself in somewhere.

I know this post is scattered, but I'm not thinking straight. Soon I will share the details of Jonathan's birth and the days following it. Right now I am just trying to get the emotional garbage out of the way. The facts can come later. They are not changing.

"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was performed at the service today. I'll leave you with a few lines from the song that really hit home.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through
the rain
"I'm with you",
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives, and takes away.

And I'll praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

Like I said in my last post, "I will praise Him."

Saturday, May 30, 2009

why?

Why is the world still going on around me and everyone is going on with there day to day business? Doesn't everyone know that my baby, my Jonathan, is dead? I feel like everyone should stop to mourn his loss. There is so much I don't understand right now and I probably never will. So many questions, so few answers. The one answer I do know is God is good. He loves me. He feels my pain. He is holding me. He is holding Jonathan. He is true. He is real. He will heal me. He is sovereign. He is eternal. I do and will love Him and praise Him.

I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.

My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.

empty

I think the title explains it all, I am empty. My baby is gone. I will never see him take his first breath or hear him cry. I will never change his first diaper, breastfeed, or give him his first bath. He will never say Momma or Dadda or attempt to say Matthew. I will never get to see him smile or hear his laugh. There is a lifetime of things I will never get to experience with him. But he is having experiences I could never imagine with our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful. I am selfish though and am so saddened, numb, and angry that he is not with me. I want him in my arms. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted to have life experiences with him and raise him to know the one true God. I WANT MY BABY BACK! We weren't ready to give him to God. It's not suppose to be like this.......................................................but it is. I am an empty shell now. Though I still look pregnant, I think I feel him move, I worry about the medicine I'm on and if it is effecting him. I'm not pregnant, he's not moving, and I can take any medicines I want. He's gone and I am broken. I am empty.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Please pray!

Well, I know I haven't updated in awhile but a lot has gone on. Last Tues was my first appointment with my OB and everything went great. She noted that I had a subchorionic hematoma amd heard the heartbeat. It was in the 160's. She said if I had not had any bleeding by now then I probably wouldn't. What do you know, Wed. morning aroung 12:30 I start bleeding. I went back to the Dr.'s office and they said I had a ruptured blood vessel, but the baby was fine.
By Fri. evening, I quit bleeding but still have a lot of cramping that continues into Sat. Sunday morning around 1:30, I start gushing blood. I call the after hours number and luckily, Dr. B is on call. She tells me to head to the ER. We have an ultrasound and the baby looks good. Good heart rate, good movement. They go ahead and give me my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. Diagnosis: threatened miscarriage. We go home and schedule an appointment with Dr.B for Tues.
This morning I have another ultrasound the hematoma has grown from 3cm last Wed. to 7 cm today. A small edge of the placenta has separated ( around 5-10%) and there is still a large amount of blood in my uterus. However, the baby is fine. Good movement, good heart rate. Dr. B explains that if the bleed continues to grow, I will more than likely miscarry. I am 12 weeks 3 days and Peanut is measuring 12 weeks 5 days. Dr.B also said I could bleed for quite some time, up to 16-28 weeks.
I am on bed rest, pretty much so, until my next appointment on Monday. Please be in prayer that the hematoma will not grow anymore and that it will shrink. I know that God is totally in control and I/we totally trust in Him. I will post more as I know more.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The fun begins!

I know I haven't updated in awhile and I will try to better. I have been exhausted and nauseated ALOT. So in the past week and a half what all has happened? I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and actually met with the Dr. to discuss my release date to the Ob/Gyn. She decided that Mar 13 will be my last appointment with them. I will be 10 weeks. My first appointment with the Ob/Gyn is Mar 24. The ultrasound Wed looked good. Peanut is growing right on track. I do have a fibroid in my uterus and a small bleed that are keeping an eye on. The Dr. said neither should propose a problem. If the fibroid gets too big or blocks the opening of my cervix then I will have to have a c section. But, I had a c section with M so I am not worried.
This past week I have been terribly nauseated and it stinks. I have not really found anything that will ease it. I plan on getting some of those Preggie Pops. They sell them at Babys r Us and the Dr. even said she had heard good things about them. I have been very tired the past 10-12 days. Working with 11 four olds 8 hours a day can be exhausting some days. By the time I get home, I am ready to crash. I have also been having a few cravings.........Olive Garden salad dressing is the main one. I could drink it with a straw. I have also been wanting lots of meat and cheese. I am not a big hamburger consumer but I have been wanting it alot lately. I could eat a whole pack of cheese in one sitting, but that doesn't do very much for the constipation issue (TMI, I know). I love feeling this way though. It just confirms that I am pregnant.
We told M and he is so excited. When we told him, we gave him a book titled "I'm a big brother" and showed the ultrasound picture. He said, "I knew you would be pregnant because we had been praying about it." He has been telling anyone who will listen that he is going to be a big brother. He even had a friend come spend the night the day we told him. He told his friend he couldn't jump on me or my stomach because I was going to have a baby. He is so sweet. I think he will be an awesome big brother. We had C's parents over and M showed them his new book and the picture. My MIL said, "But your not a big brother." It took them a minute to catch on, but when they did they were so excited. My MIL started crying. It was sweet.
My birthday was yesterday and I turned 32. I went Sat. and got a hair cut for my birthday. I told C and M that's what I wanted. Then a friend surprised me and took me to get a pedicure. We had some friends over for dinner Sat. night to celebrate and C cooked for me. It was a great day!
Sunday it snowed! We went to church, but Matthew's baptism got cancelled again. We went to the in laws for birthday dinner after church and played in the snow awhile. Yesterday C cooked for me again. He always does. He is the chef of the family. We had a nice quiet dinner at home. Me and M went on a hunt for an astronaut outfit tonight. His class is putting on a wax museum Fri. and M is going to be John Glenn. He has to dress as his famous American. We had no luck finding what we needed so we will be on a wild hunt again tomorrow night.
My friend, Ashley, had a great report at the Dr. yesterday. She IS pregnant! Praise God! Please be in prayer for her and her hubby that things continue to go well and she has a healthy pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. Fri and will post more then. I will try this weekend to get some pics posted. I don't really like how my blog looks so I need to figure out how to Dr. it up.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Fun Friday!

I went back to the Dr. today and (drum roll please!) we saw a heartbeat! It was so AWESOME! I started crying. Each little milestone just makes me more and more excited. We are going to tell M today after school and C's parents this weekend. We bought M a book today about being a big brother. I think he will really like it.
We did not get to have M's baptism last Sunday because he woke up with a fever and upset stomach. So we have rescheduled for March 1, a day before my birthday. What an awesome gift, to see my baby boy baptized for my birthday. You can't beat that! M has baseball tryouts tomorrow and I hope he does well. He is excited about it and we are looking forward to it also. I always love to watch his games.
A few prayer requests: my friend Ashley had IUI this week. Now she plays the waiting game and will find out in a few weeks if it took or not. Please be in prayer for her. Her and her husband have been trying for a few years and have longed for a family of their own. Also, a little girl in M's class lost her mother in a car wreck this week. The little girl's name is Sadie. Please pray for these families. I also have a prayer request about my job. It does not seem worthwhile for me to work after the baby arrives because of the cost of childcare for both kids, I will not be bringing home very much. I am toying with the idea of keeping kids in my home. Actually, C and I have been praying about it and God is opening doors for me to lean more towards this decision.
Also, I have been totally exhausted this week. By lunch time everyday, I feel like I need I nap. I also have been nauseated ALOT. When I eat and when I don't. The Dr. gave me an antinausea medicine today and I plan on using it. C will vouch for me being a mega witch. I have had a few breakdowns this week. I've mostly been worrying about the future and the whole job thing. I've cried at least twice this week and talked pretty hateful to C for no reason. My hormones are out of control. BUT, I wouldn't trade what I'm feeling for ANYTHING! God has blessed us beyond measure.
I will post the reactions we receive from family and friends when we tell them the great news this weekend.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Baby Fincher

So, I haven't posted in a few days but things have been great! I went to the Dr yesterday and my HCG was 2800. So the nurse called and asked when I wanted to do an ultrasound. Of course, I wanted to say I can be there in 45 minutes, but we waited till today. At first the sonographer had trouble seeing anything which totally freaked me out. My uterus is tilted so that was part of the problem. She finally saw the little pea. He/she is just a sac right now, but is growing. They said everything looked great and we go back Fri Feb 20 for another ultrasound. Hopefully, we will see a heartbeat then. My left ovary is still measuring 10cm and the right 6cm from the hyperstimulation. I can't really tell anymore. I guess I've gotten use to it.
Anyway, I feel so blessed. God knows what we can handle and we are so happy and grateful that we have one little miracle growing. I am so looking forward to telling M and the grandparents. Just a few more weeks and then I'll be able to spill the beans. This is the hardest secret to keep.
I have felt pretty good so far. I have been a little more tired than usual and a little crampy, but nothing major. I told C the other night I was worried because I haven't had morning sickness. He said to quit trying to find something to worry about and enjoy it. He's right! I was sick with M the first 4 months all day, everyday. I should be thankful I'm not sick.
On another happy note, M gets baptised this Sunday. Praise God! He is only 7 and loves the Lord so much already! I pray he will always love the Lord and continue to grow in his faith all of his life. He is such an awesome kid.
One more thing, we got pictures today at the ultrasound. We had 3 total and C asked if he could take one to work to hang on his toolbox. I thought that was so sweet. He is such a good man and I certainly don't tell him that enough. Hope you all have a blessed week!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Good morning all! Hope everyone had a great week. I am getting ready to take M to ride horses today. I am so excited! We are going to a birthday party at a horse arena. M is excited too. He said, "You know Mommy, Indiana Jones rides a horse and wear his hat. Can I take my Indiana Jones hat with me............and my whip?" Of course, I said yes to the hat and NO! to the whip. It is a beautiful day and I am so looking forward to spending some time outside.
I have been feeling pretty good. Just the usual stuff. I had a horrible dream last night that I started bleeding and was having a miscarriage. I guess my fears are coming out. Since Matthew was a twin and I lost the other baby in the first trimester, I guess I have a fear of something going wrong with this one. I just praise God that I am pregnant! It sounds so weird to say, but so awesome. I can't wait to tell our families and M.
So, I go back to the Dr Mon for lab work. Please pray that my numbers continue to rise as they should. Yesterday the Dr's office called and said I had a UTI. I thought it was so weird for them to be calling me on Fri when I was there Mon. Anyway, I am taking an antibiotic and plan on asking why it took them 5 days to call me with the results of the urinalysis. I hate taking any kind of "extra" meds. I am such a freak and have already looked it up to see what FDA category it falls in for pregnancy. Maybe I am a little OCD when it comes to pregnancy and the things I consume, food or meds.
Please pray for my good friend, Ashley who just started Gonal-F injections and will do IUI soon. She has wanted a child of her own for so long and has been so supportive of me.
I will attempt to post some pics sometime this weekend. The family computer genius, C, will have to help me. I will post lab results on Mon. Have a wonderful weekend!
I Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Good News

So, yesterday I went back to the Dr for my labs to be rechecked. My HCG came back at 216.3. The nurse said they want it to double every 3 days. On Friday, mine was 57. On Monday, it was 216.3. PRAISE GOD! I don't go back again till next Monday. I am so happy things are going so well. It's almost still unbelievable.
I also want this blog to keep a record of how I'm feeling throughout this pregnancy. Seeing as how I am almost 32 (Mar.2) and I might not be getting pregnant again, I want to savor every feeling and thought I have throughout this journey. So, I have actually been feeling pretty good. I have a few cramps throughout the day, nausea occasionally, sore boobies, and constipation (TMI, I know). I feel bloated though. I had just gotten into the size clothes I was in before I got pregnant with Matthew. I was in them for 2-3 months and now I am back up one size. Believe me, I am not complaining. I wouldn't trade where I am right now for the world.
As soon as I figure out how to post pics and Dr up my blog, I will. I might have to get C to help. He is the computer expert of the family. By the way, C has been so awesome. I could not ask for a better husband. Since the whole hyper stimulation event, he has cleaned the house several times, done the laundry, and continues to cook almost every night. I have a wonderful husband and he takes such good care of me and M. I thank God for him.
I will update again in a few days. I think I will start posting a Bible verse at the end of every blog too. And, I plan on adding the song my blog is based soon. It is called "Everything Lies on Hope" by Addison Road. They are an awesome Christian group and I encourage you o look them up.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A new beginning

So, I've never done this before and really don't enjoy writing. I thought, however, I would use this blog to keep up with our journey through infertility and pregnancy. We went through infertility tx for 3 years and finally conceived our son in 2001. In 2003, we went back and tried IUI twice. Both times were unsuccessful.
We just finished a round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) and it was successful. Our first try in 6 years and everything went perfectly. I found out last Wednesday, Jan. 28 that my pregnancy test came back positive. I am ECSTATIC! God's hand has been totally in this and we give Him ALL the glory. We continue to pray that everything will go smoothly.
I still have some hyper stimulation from the meds but other than that, I feel really good. Tomorrow I go back to Dr. H's for my lab work and pray that my Beta HCG continues to rise. We have not told M (our son) or the grandparents, and won't until we have an ultrasound. We are trying to think of a really co way to tell them. M has been asking for a little brother or sister for the longest time. I think he will be very excited.
I will post more tomorrow with lab results.