Random

I tried to get up and motivated to go to work this morning. I didn't make it far. I laid in bed for awhile, stroking the little heart shaped urn and sobbing. I got up after awhile and went to Matthew's room. I watched him sleep for a minute and then crawled in the bed next to him. He is such an amazing little boy. I laid in bed with him for for about 15 minutes and stroked his hair and kissed his cheeks. He then popped up with his big blue eyes and said, "I'm ready to get up now." I fixed him breakfast and got his clothes together and then Chris called to check on me. When he asked how I was doing, I lost it again. I was going to continue to get ready for work, but I just couldn't. I called work and let my boss know. My boss has been wonderful and didn't even expect me to come back this week at all. I told her I would attempt it again tomorrow. Maybe in a few days I'll actually make it through the front doors. So now I'm laying on the couch, heart shaped box beside me.

This morning I was thinking about when Matthew was born, how I worried about him even when was I sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he was still beside me in the bassinet, still breathing. If he was in the bed with us, I would wake up to make sure Chris or I hadn't rolled over on him. Now that I've had Jonathan, I find myself doing the same thing. I wake up looking for him, making sure he is OK. Guess what? He's not there. I usually come to my senses and find the little heart shaped box and pull it back beside me. God give me peace, give me sanity when I feel at times I've lost mine.

One thing I've noticed the past few days is that I am very forgetful. In mid sentence or thought, my mind draws a blank. I forget what I'm doing, what I'm looking for. Last night I started to pack Matthews lunch for his summer program today. I usually finish packing his lunch in the mornings and I felt a sense of panic come over me because I was afraid I would forget his lunch tomorrow. I remember when my dad died seven years ago, I went through something similar. I would forget things a lot and lose my train of thought. I became an obsessive list maker. I think that is where I'm heading again. At one time shortly after my dad passed away, I told Chris I felt like something in my brain had disconnected or come loose. That sounds crazy, I know, but I don't know a better way to describe it. I feel sorry for Matthew having to deal with everything, especially my absent mindedness and emotional roller coaster ride right now. He is such a great kid.

Another random thought for this post. At the memorial service we had pictures of Jonathan out and a photo album that a dear friend put together for us. I was thinking how these are the only photos I will ever have of him. There will be no trips to Portrait Innovations involving multiple outfit changes and lots of crying and fussing. The pictures I have are beautiful, but they are of a child who never even took his first breath in this fallen world. Really, that is a blessing. All he has ever known and ever will know is Heaven. How awesome is that! Back to my original thought: I won't be carrying wallet size photos around of him to show off. Nobody wants to hear you say, "Would you like to see a picture of my dead baby?" A blessing and a disappointment at the same time. I am trying to see the good, the blessings, through all this.

I am looking for comfort in Him, in His word, through the blinding pain. I am praying God will use me, use Jonathan, to bring Glory to Him. What does God want me to do with this? How can I serve Him through this? How can I help others when I feel like I can barely help myself right now? Lord, give me the answers. Show me Your way. Through this, I will praise You.