So, I haven't written in awhile. I just haven't felt like writing. Some days I feel emotionless and other days the emotions flood me. I try not to think about everything that has happened. It seems to be the only way I can function, if I just push it to the back of my mind.
Today is Father's Day. Chris and I haven't talked about the loss of Jonathan today or really much at all lately. I have not wanted to bring it up. He will always be a daddy to two boys to me.
We went to church this morning and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in probably a month in a half. She is pregnant. I asked her how she was, if she knew what she was having yet. I just tried to make small talk. She asked how I was doing and I said fine, assuming she knew what had happened. She asked if I knew what I was having. I think I looked at her dumbfounded for just a minute, then I told her we had a little boy May 27 and he was still born. She started tearing up and, of course, I did too. She apologized profusely and I told her it was fine. I could have laid down and cried like a baby in the middle of church, but I didn't it. However, that one comment seemed to change the whole course of my day, my whole attitude. I hate that! Here I am, suppose to be celebrating what an awesome husband I have and how great a father he is to our son and I let one little honest accidental comment throw me for a loop.
I have been doing better. Before today, I haven't cried since Wednesday at my doctor's appointment. I hate being so emotional and feeling so unbalanced. I never know if something is going to make me laugh or cry, and poor Chris gets all the bad stuff because I don't know what or who to give it to. Maybe I should buy a pinata and just beat the stuffing out of it. Of course, I would have to fill it up with candy first so after I have a maniac attack on it, I can drown my sorrow in candy. How does that sound? Chris's birthday is Friday and I might need to purchase a pinata for his 39th birthday. I'll run the idea by him. He might want to take a lick at it too.
I am feeling better day by day. I honestly feel like God has given me some sort of peace and comfort through all this. I was listening to WDJC the other day and the dj shared a devotional. The scripture was Romans 5:2b-4 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I love those verses. I do have hope.
Happy Father's Day!