So, I think I left off at Thursday morning, May 28. By 5:15, I was calling close friends to let them know what happened. Well, I was dialing numbers and Chris was doing the talking. Our minister of music was at the hospital first thing with McDonald's in hand. Our pastor was there shortly after. We have such an awesome church. They have supported us so much through all this. If you are reading this, thank you. Two of my good friends showed up later in the morning. I asked to see Jonathan again. They brought him to us in a tiny wicker bassinet. The side of his head was bruised from how he had been laying all night and things were starting to settle. I know he wasn't really there, but it broke my heart even more to see him like that.

My in laws came by and brought Matthew. My best friend, Julie, took Matthew down to the gift shop and bought him candy and a toy shark. My MIL held Jonathan again while they were gone. My other good friend, Kristen, had her camera with her and took pictures of Jonathan, me, and Chris. That was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those pictures and for good friends who are willing to do things, even when they're uncomfortable. Kristen and Julie got to hold Jonathan too. It was nice to share him with others. He was so beautiful, even in death. He was perfect.

We made the arrangements. So many decisions to make so quickly. I felt like we didn't have time to think. We decided to cremate Jonathan and have a memorial service at our church. Once again, our church family has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of us. We needed some direction and someone to talk all this out with, and we found it. Thank you God! Our church family has been such a blessing through all this.

We had visitors for awhile and then it was quiet. The hospital chaplain came by to pray with us. When she walked in, she asked if I was holding a stuffed bear. I told her no, it was my baby. She said nothing for a few moments, then prayed with us. After she left, I told Chris to go ahead and run home so he could shower and take care of the dogs. I was going to try and rest, but couldn't. I held Jonathan the whole time Chris was gone. I talked to Chris on the phone a few times and to Julie again. Several people called during that time. The funeral home was suppose to come pick Jonathan up around 3:30. I think it was almost 4 when the nurse came back in. I asked the nurse when they were coming to pick him up and told her she could take him. I kissed him on the cheek and wrapped him up real tight. That was so hard. I know that he had already passed, but to actually have to physically give him away................I can't think of the words to describe the pain I felt. At 7:20PM on May 27, Jonathan had already passed, but I was still holding my baby. I didn't really want him to go. I wasn't ready to let him go, but he needed to. His little hands had started curling up and his skin was so thin. His little gown made an indention in his chin from the way I had been holding him for so long. It was time for him to go. I called Chris and cried. In that moment, I felt so alone.

Chris came back to the hospital and we had visitors the rest of the night till about 10. We tried to rest, but were unsuccessful. They continued to give me IV antibiotics throughout the night. Friday we were able to get ready to go home. My mother finally showed up to visit for a few minutes. After her visit, I got up to take a shower. The nurse came by and brought me a stuffed lamb. A lovely parting gift (insert obnoxious tone here)..........................stupid lamb. Chris went down to bring the car around and the cna wheeled me out. As I rolled out, I carried the lamb. I heard a newborn baby cry just a few doors down. Stupid lamb! I left the hospital holding a stuffed animal lamb when I should be holding my baby. STUPID LAMB!!!!!......................................I cried when I got into the car.

On the way home, we stopped to pick Matthew up. I sat in the car while Chris ran into his mom's. We got home and I laid on the couch. Ants had invaded our kitchen while we were gone (a whole 2 days). Chris got busy cleaning out cabinets. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. While he was gone, the funeral home called. Jonathan was ready to be picked up. I cried uncontrollably. I called Chris to tell him we would need to go pick up Jonathan when he got home. Matthew was so sweet and just loved on me. Matthew asked what we were going to do. I told him we were going to pick up Jonathan. He didn't really understand. I tried to explain it to him and when Chris got home he explained it too, the best he could. Matthew just said OK.

My heart was so heavy as we were driving there. At times, I couldn't breathe. Chris went into get Jonathan. I just couldn't get out of the car. On the way home, I held the little blue velvet box that contained the silver heart urn. I cried. On the way home, the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on. Matthew knew all the words. He sang it, and sang it loud. That moment was so surreal. I was listening to my son sing praises to Jesus and holding the remains of my other son who is with my Savior. God is good!

The next day or so was a blur. I remember Saturday going to Russ and Amanda's house first thing. Amanda created a scrapbook of Jonathan and enlarged and framed some photos of him for the memorial service Sunday. We came home and laid on the couch till the afternoon. We had visitors in and out till about 10 that night. It was nice to have the company. So many people loving on us during such a dark time. Sunday was coming soon and Chris and I were dreading it.

I've already written about the service, so I won't go there again. One thing I didn't write about is what happened on the way to the church. I was holding the little white wicker basket that held the heart shaped urn and "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on again. Matthew sang his heart out once again. Once again, I cried. Holding one son and listening to the other sing. So beautiful, it is a moment that will be forever etched into my mind.