Mad

It has been 15 days since I gave birth to my second son. The pain is still raw. I don't feel like writing much. I went to my doctor yesterday for an ultrasound of my gall bladder. They wanted to rule out any problems with it since I've been throwing up all the time. I told them it was just stress and nerves. It was painful going back to that office. Same room, same ultrasound tech, 2 weeks to the day I last saw Jonathan. His heart still beating.

The u/s tech gave me a hug and condolences first thing. I showed her the photo album of Jonathan. We both cried. She asked if it happened the same day as my last u/s. I told her I delivered him 3 hours and 56 minutes later. We both cried. As she did the u/s, I looked away from the monitor as far as I could. There was nothing there I wanted to see anymore. I cried. She gave me the last u/s pictures of Jonathan. I didn't take a cd with me, May 27. I wasn't thinking and I was in too much pain. The pictures she gave me are on x ray film. It makes me mad when I look at them. At 3:24pm, Jonathan's heart was beating. Who or what am I mad at? I don't know!?! I told Chris and my dear friend Julie, who took me to the doctor, I wanted to kick the u/s tech in the knee and run away. That's real mature, right?

So I'm mad now! I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, confused.