Memorial Day

Today was Jonathan's memorial service. All morning I was dreading it. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. (The next section contains TMI or too much information. My sensor is broken right now so just deal with it.) This morning, in the shower, my boobs were killing me. Wouldn't you know it, my milk came in. Just one more reminder that I no longer have my baby. My body is not doing what God made it to do, so I suffer through.

The memorial service was perfect. Pastor Chris did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for a better service. It was hard to get through it, but we made it. I felt like I could have lain in the floor and thrown a fit. However, I was able to control myself. I pinched my nose hard and held my breath as much as I could. I constantly had to remind myself to breathe.

The hard part is over, right? It gets easier from here on out, right? I don't know. I pray that it does. If I didn't have Matthew, I might not get out of bed for awhile. But, he needs me and I need him. He has been such an awesome boy through all this. He'll come up, give me hugs and kisses, and say, "This is for you and this is for Jonathan." I am truly blessed to have such a special child.

Since we got home Friday I've been carrying the tiny urn around the house. I guess I am not mentally stable right now and in crazy mode. I know Jonathan is in Heaven. I know he is not here, but it's all I have right now. If he were physically here with me, breathing and crying, I wouldn't leave him in another room or on a shelf. At night, I put the urn in the bed with me and that's where it stays till the morning. I am crazy right now, but I'm dealing with the loss the best I can. If I'm still doing this in six months, I'll check myself in somewhere.

I know this post is scattered, but I'm not thinking straight. Soon I will share the details of Jonathan's birth and the days following it. Right now I am just trying to get the emotional garbage out of the way. The facts can come later. They are not changing.

"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was performed at the service today. I'll leave you with a few lines from the song that really hit home.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through
the rain
"I'm with you",
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives, and takes away.

And I'll praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

Like I said in my last post, "I will praise Him."

why?

Why is the world still going on around me and everyone is going on with there day to day business? Doesn't everyone know that my baby, my Jonathan, is dead? I feel like everyone should stop to mourn his loss. There is so much I don't understand right now and I probably never will. So many questions, so few answers. The one answer I do know is God is good. He loves me. He feels my pain. He is holding me. He is holding Jonathan. He is true. He is real. He will heal me. He is sovereign. He is eternal. I do and will love Him and praise Him.

I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.

My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.

empty

I think the title explains it all, I am empty. My baby is gone. I will never see him take his first breath or hear him cry. I will never change his first diaper, breastfeed, or give him his first bath. He will never say Momma or Dadda or attempt to say Matthew. I will never get to see him smile or hear his laugh. There is a lifetime of things I will never get to experience with him. But he is having experiences I could never imagine with our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful. I am selfish though and am so saddened, numb, and angry that he is not with me. I want him in my arms. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted to have life experiences with him and raise him to know the one true God. I WANT MY BABY BACK! We weren't ready to give him to God. It's not suppose to be like this.......................................................but it is. I am an empty shell now. Though I still look pregnant, I think I feel him move, I worry about the medicine I'm on and if it is effecting him. I'm not pregnant, he's not moving, and I can take any medicines I want. He's gone and I am broken. I am empty.