Today was Jonathan's memorial service. All morning I was dreading it. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. (The next section contains TMI or too much information. My sensor is broken right now so just deal with it.) This morning, in the shower, my boobs were killing me. Wouldn't you know it, my milk came in. Just one more reminder that I no longer have my baby. My body is not doing what God made it to do, so I suffer through.
The memorial service was perfect. Pastor Chris did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for a better service. It was hard to get through it, but we made it. I felt like I could have lain in the floor and thrown a fit. However, I was able to control myself. I pinched my nose hard and held my breath as much as I could. I constantly had to remind myself to breathe.
The hard part is over, right? It gets easier from here on out, right? I don't know. I pray that it does. If I didn't have Matthew, I might not get out of bed for awhile. But, he needs me and I need him. He has been such an awesome boy through all this. He'll come up, give me hugs and kisses, and say, "This is for you and this is for Jonathan." I am truly blessed to have such a special child.
Since we got home Friday I've been carrying the tiny urn around the house. I guess I am not mentally stable right now and in crazy mode. I know Jonathan is in Heaven. I know he is not here, but it's all I have right now. If he were physically here with me, breathing and crying, I wouldn't leave him in another room or on a shelf. At night, I put the urn in the bed with me and that's where it stays till the morning. I am crazy right now, but I'm dealing with the loss the best I can. If I'm still doing this in six months, I'll check myself in somewhere.
I know this post is scattered, but I'm not thinking straight. Soon I will share the details of Jonathan's birth and the days following it. Right now I am just trying to get the emotional garbage out of the way. The facts can come later. They are not changing.
"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was performed at the service today. I'll leave you with a few lines from the song that really hit home.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through
the rain
"I'm with you",
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives, and takes away.
And I'll praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
Like I said in my last post, "I will praise Him."
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
why?
Why is the world still going on around me and everyone is going on with there day to day business? Doesn't everyone know that my baby, my Jonathan, is dead? I feel like everyone should stop to mourn his loss. There is so much I don't understand right now and I probably never will. So many questions, so few answers. The one answer I do know is God is good. He loves me. He feels my pain. He is holding me. He is holding Jonathan. He is true. He is real. He will heal me. He is sovereign. He is eternal. I do and will love Him and praise Him.
I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.
My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.
I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.
My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.
empty
I think the title explains it all, I am empty. My baby is gone. I will never see him take his first breath or hear him cry. I will never change his first diaper, breastfeed, or give him his first bath. He will never say Momma or Dadda or attempt to say Matthew. I will never get to see him smile or hear his laugh. There is a lifetime of things I will never get to experience with him. But he is having experiences I could never imagine with our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful. I am selfish though and am so saddened, numb, and angry that he is not with me. I want him in my arms. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted to have life experiences with him and raise him to know the one true God. I WANT MY BABY BACK! We weren't ready to give him to God. It's not suppose to be like this.......................................................but it is. I am an empty shell now. Though I still look pregnant, I think I feel him move, I worry about the medicine I'm on and if it is effecting him. I'm not pregnant, he's not moving, and I can take any medicines I want. He's gone and I am broken. I am empty.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Please pray!
Well, I know I haven't updated in awhile but a lot has gone on. Last Tues was my first appointment with my OB and everything went great. She noted that I had a subchorionic hematoma amd heard the heartbeat. It was in the 160's. She said if I had not had any bleeding by now then I probably wouldn't. What do you know, Wed. morning aroung 12:30 I start bleeding. I went back to the Dr.'s office and they said I had a ruptured blood vessel, but the baby was fine.
By Fri. evening, I quit bleeding but still have a lot of cramping that continues into Sat. Sunday morning around 1:30, I start gushing blood. I call the after hours number and luckily, Dr. B is on call. She tells me to head to the ER. We have an ultrasound and the baby looks good. Good heart rate, good movement. They go ahead and give me my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. Diagnosis: threatened miscarriage. We go home and schedule an appointment with Dr.B for Tues.
This morning I have another ultrasound the hematoma has grown from 3cm last Wed. to 7 cm today. A small edge of the placenta has separated ( around 5-10%) and there is still a large amount of blood in my uterus. However, the baby is fine. Good movement, good heart rate. Dr. B explains that if the bleed continues to grow, I will more than likely miscarry. I am 12 weeks 3 days and Peanut is measuring 12 weeks 5 days. Dr.B also said I could bleed for quite some time, up to 16-28 weeks.
I am on bed rest, pretty much so, until my next appointment on Monday. Please be in prayer that the hematoma will not grow anymore and that it will shrink. I know that God is totally in control and I/we totally trust in Him. I will post more as I know more.
By Fri. evening, I quit bleeding but still have a lot of cramping that continues into Sat. Sunday morning around 1:30, I start gushing blood. I call the after hours number and luckily, Dr. B is on call. She tells me to head to the ER. We have an ultrasound and the baby looks good. Good heart rate, good movement. They go ahead and give me my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. Diagnosis: threatened miscarriage. We go home and schedule an appointment with Dr.B for Tues.
This morning I have another ultrasound the hematoma has grown from 3cm last Wed. to 7 cm today. A small edge of the placenta has separated ( around 5-10%) and there is still a large amount of blood in my uterus. However, the baby is fine. Good movement, good heart rate. Dr. B explains that if the bleed continues to grow, I will more than likely miscarry. I am 12 weeks 3 days and Peanut is measuring 12 weeks 5 days. Dr.B also said I could bleed for quite some time, up to 16-28 weeks.
I am on bed rest, pretty much so, until my next appointment on Monday. Please be in prayer that the hematoma will not grow anymore and that it will shrink. I know that God is totally in control and I/we totally trust in Him. I will post more as I know more.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The fun begins!
I know I haven't updated in awhile and I will try to better. I have been exhausted and nauseated ALOT. So in the past week and a half what all has happened? I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and actually met with the Dr. to discuss my release date to the Ob/Gyn. She decided that Mar 13 will be my last appointment with them. I will be 10 weeks. My first appointment with the Ob/Gyn is Mar 24. The ultrasound Wed looked good. Peanut is growing right on track. I do have a fibroid in my uterus and a small bleed that are keeping an eye on. The Dr. said neither should propose a problem. If the fibroid gets too big or blocks the opening of my cervix then I will have to have a c section. But, I had a c section with M so I am not worried.
This past week I have been terribly nauseated and it stinks. I have not really found anything that will ease it. I plan on getting some of those Preggie Pops. They sell them at Babys r Us and the Dr. even said she had heard good things about them. I have been very tired the past 10-12 days. Working with 11 four olds 8 hours a day can be exhausting some days. By the time I get home, I am ready to crash. I have also been having a few cravings.........Olive Garden salad dressing is the main one. I could drink it with a straw. I have also been wanting lots of meat and cheese. I am not a big hamburger consumer but I have been wanting it alot lately. I could eat a whole pack of cheese in one sitting, but that doesn't do very much for the constipation issue (TMI, I know). I love feeling this way though. It just confirms that I am pregnant.
We told M and he is so excited. When we told him, we gave him a book titled "I'm a big brother" and showed the ultrasound picture. He said, "I knew you would be pregnant because we had been praying about it." He has been telling anyone who will listen that he is going to be a big brother. He even had a friend come spend the night the day we told him. He told his friend he couldn't jump on me or my stomach because I was going to have a baby. He is so sweet. I think he will be an awesome big brother. We had C's parents over and M showed them his new book and the picture. My MIL said, "But your not a big brother." It took them a minute to catch on, but when they did they were so excited. My MIL started crying. It was sweet.
My birthday was yesterday and I turned 32. I went Sat. and got a hair cut for my birthday. I told C and M that's what I wanted. Then a friend surprised me and took me to get a pedicure. We had some friends over for dinner Sat. night to celebrate and C cooked for me. It was a great day!
Sunday it snowed! We went to church, but Matthew's baptism got cancelled again. We went to the in laws for birthday dinner after church and played in the snow awhile. Yesterday C cooked for me again. He always does. He is the chef of the family. We had a nice quiet dinner at home. Me and M went on a hunt for an astronaut outfit tonight. His class is putting on a wax museum Fri. and M is going to be John Glenn. He has to dress as his famous American. We had no luck finding what we needed so we will be on a wild hunt again tomorrow night.
My friend, Ashley, had a great report at the Dr. yesterday. She IS pregnant! Praise God! Please be in prayer for her and her hubby that things continue to go well and she has a healthy pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. Fri and will post more then. I will try this weekend to get some pics posted. I don't really like how my blog looks so I need to figure out how to Dr. it up.
This past week I have been terribly nauseated and it stinks. I have not really found anything that will ease it. I plan on getting some of those Preggie Pops. They sell them at Babys r Us and the Dr. even said she had heard good things about them. I have been very tired the past 10-12 days. Working with 11 four olds 8 hours a day can be exhausting some days. By the time I get home, I am ready to crash. I have also been having a few cravings.........Olive Garden salad dressing is the main one. I could drink it with a straw. I have also been wanting lots of meat and cheese. I am not a big hamburger consumer but I have been wanting it alot lately. I could eat a whole pack of cheese in one sitting, but that doesn't do very much for the constipation issue (TMI, I know). I love feeling this way though. It just confirms that I am pregnant.
We told M and he is so excited. When we told him, we gave him a book titled "I'm a big brother" and showed the ultrasound picture. He said, "I knew you would be pregnant because we had been praying about it." He has been telling anyone who will listen that he is going to be a big brother. He even had a friend come spend the night the day we told him. He told his friend he couldn't jump on me or my stomach because I was going to have a baby. He is so sweet. I think he will be an awesome big brother. We had C's parents over and M showed them his new book and the picture. My MIL said, "But your not a big brother." It took them a minute to catch on, but when they did they were so excited. My MIL started crying. It was sweet.
My birthday was yesterday and I turned 32. I went Sat. and got a hair cut for my birthday. I told C and M that's what I wanted. Then a friend surprised me and took me to get a pedicure. We had some friends over for dinner Sat. night to celebrate and C cooked for me. It was a great day!
Sunday it snowed! We went to church, but Matthew's baptism got cancelled again. We went to the in laws for birthday dinner after church and played in the snow awhile. Yesterday C cooked for me again. He always does. He is the chef of the family. We had a nice quiet dinner at home. Me and M went on a hunt for an astronaut outfit tonight. His class is putting on a wax museum Fri. and M is going to be John Glenn. He has to dress as his famous American. We had no luck finding what we needed so we will be on a wild hunt again tomorrow night.
My friend, Ashley, had a great report at the Dr. yesterday. She IS pregnant! Praise God! Please be in prayer for her and her hubby that things continue to go well and she has a healthy pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. Fri and will post more then. I will try this weekend to get some pics posted. I don't really like how my blog looks so I need to figure out how to Dr. it up.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Fun Friday!
I went back to the Dr. today and (drum roll please!) we saw a heartbeat! It was so AWESOME! I started crying. Each little milestone just makes me more and more excited. We are going to tell M today after school and C's parents this weekend. We bought M a book today about being a big brother. I think he will really like it.
We did not get to have M's baptism last Sunday because he woke up with a fever and upset stomach. So we have rescheduled for March 1, a day before my birthday. What an awesome gift, to see my baby boy baptized for my birthday. You can't beat that! M has baseball tryouts tomorrow and I hope he does well. He is excited about it and we are looking forward to it also. I always love to watch his games.
A few prayer requests: my friend Ashley had IUI this week. Now she plays the waiting game and will find out in a few weeks if it took or not. Please be in prayer for her. Her and her husband have been trying for a few years and have longed for a family of their own. Also, a little girl in M's class lost her mother in a car wreck this week. The little girl's name is Sadie. Please pray for these families. I also have a prayer request about my job. It does not seem worthwhile for me to work after the baby arrives because of the cost of childcare for both kids, I will not be bringing home very much. I am toying with the idea of keeping kids in my home. Actually, C and I have been praying about it and God is opening doors for me to lean more towards this decision.
Also, I have been totally exhausted this week. By lunch time everyday, I feel like I need I nap. I also have been nauseated ALOT. When I eat and when I don't. The Dr. gave me an antinausea medicine today and I plan on using it. C will vouch for me being a mega witch. I have had a few breakdowns this week. I've mostly been worrying about the future and the whole job thing. I've cried at least twice this week and talked pretty hateful to C for no reason. My hormones are out of control. BUT, I wouldn't trade what I'm feeling for ANYTHING! God has blessed us beyond measure.
I will post the reactions we receive from family and friends when we tell them the great news this weekend.
We did not get to have M's baptism last Sunday because he woke up with a fever and upset stomach. So we have rescheduled for March 1, a day before my birthday. What an awesome gift, to see my baby boy baptized for my birthday. You can't beat that! M has baseball tryouts tomorrow and I hope he does well. He is excited about it and we are looking forward to it also. I always love to watch his games.
A few prayer requests: my friend Ashley had IUI this week. Now she plays the waiting game and will find out in a few weeks if it took or not. Please be in prayer for her. Her and her husband have been trying for a few years and have longed for a family of their own. Also, a little girl in M's class lost her mother in a car wreck this week. The little girl's name is Sadie. Please pray for these families. I also have a prayer request about my job. It does not seem worthwhile for me to work after the baby arrives because of the cost of childcare for both kids, I will not be bringing home very much. I am toying with the idea of keeping kids in my home. Actually, C and I have been praying about it and God is opening doors for me to lean more towards this decision.
Also, I have been totally exhausted this week. By lunch time everyday, I feel like I need I nap. I also have been nauseated ALOT. When I eat and when I don't. The Dr. gave me an antinausea medicine today and I plan on using it. C will vouch for me being a mega witch. I have had a few breakdowns this week. I've mostly been worrying about the future and the whole job thing. I've cried at least twice this week and talked pretty hateful to C for no reason. My hormones are out of control. BUT, I wouldn't trade what I'm feeling for ANYTHING! God has blessed us beyond measure.
I will post the reactions we receive from family and friends when we tell them the great news this weekend.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Baby Fincher
So, I haven't posted in a few days but things have been great! I went to the Dr yesterday and my HCG was 2800. So the nurse called and asked when I wanted to do an ultrasound. Of course, I wanted to say I can be there in 45 minutes, but we waited till today. At first the sonographer had trouble seeing anything which totally freaked me out. My uterus is tilted so that was part of the problem. She finally saw the little pea. He/she is just a sac right now, but is growing. They said everything looked great and we go back Fri Feb 20 for another ultrasound. Hopefully, we will see a heartbeat then. My left ovary is still measuring 10cm and the right 6cm from the hyperstimulation. I can't really tell anymore. I guess I've gotten use to it.
Anyway, I feel so blessed. God knows what we can handle and we are so happy and grateful that we have one little miracle growing. I am so looking forward to telling M and the grandparents. Just a few more weeks and then I'll be able to spill the beans. This is the hardest secret to keep.
I have felt pretty good so far. I have been a little more tired than usual and a little crampy, but nothing major. I told C the other night I was worried because I haven't had morning sickness. He said to quit trying to find something to worry about and enjoy it. He's right! I was sick with M the first 4 months all day, everyday. I should be thankful I'm not sick.
On another happy note, M gets baptised this Sunday. Praise God! He is only 7 and loves the Lord so much already! I pray he will always love the Lord and continue to grow in his faith all of his life. He is such an awesome kid.
One more thing, we got pictures today at the ultrasound. We had 3 total and C asked if he could take one to work to hang on his toolbox. I thought that was so sweet. He is such a good man and I certainly don't tell him that enough. Hope you all have a blessed week!
I have felt pretty good so far. I have been a little more tired than usual and a little crampy, but nothing major. I told C the other night I was worried because I haven't had morning sickness. He said to quit trying to find something to worry about and enjoy it. He's right! I was sick with M the first 4 months all day, everyday. I should be thankful I'm not sick.
On another happy note, M gets baptised this Sunday. Praise God! He is only 7 and loves the Lord so much already! I pray he will always love the Lord and continue to grow in his faith all of his life. He is such an awesome kid.
One more thing, we got pictures today at the ultrasound. We had 3 total and C asked if he could take one to work to hang on his toolbox. I thought that was so sweet. He is such a good man and I certainly don't tell him that enough. Hope you all have a blessed week!
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