Jonathan Andrew Fincher born May 27, 2009
Me and Jonathan
Daddy and Jonathan
Monday, June 1, 2009
Random
I tried to get up and motivated to go to work this morning. I didn't make it far. I laid in bed for awhile, stroking the little heart shaped urn and sobbing. I got up after awhile and went to Matthew's room. I watched him sleep for a minute and then crawled in the bed next to him. He is such an amazing little boy. I laid in bed with him for for about 15 minutes and stroked his hair and kissed his cheeks. He then popped up with his big blue eyes and said, "I'm ready to get up now." I fixed him breakfast and got his clothes together and then Chris called to check on me. When he asked how I was doing, I lost it again. I was going to continue to get ready for work, but I just couldn't. I called work and let my boss know. My boss has been wonderful and didn't even expect me to come back this week at all. I told her I would attempt it again tomorrow. Maybe in a few days I'll actually make it through the front doors. So now I'm laying on the couch, heart shaped box beside me.
This morning I was thinking about when Matthew was born, how I worried about him even when was I sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he was still beside me in the bassinet, still breathing. If he was in the bed with us, I would wake up to make sure Chris or I hadn't rolled over on him. Now that I've had Jonathan, I find myself doing the same thing. I wake up looking for him, making sure he is OK. Guess what? He's not there. I usually come to my senses and find the little heart shaped box and pull it back beside me. God give me peace, give me sanity when I feel at times I've lost mine.
One thing I've noticed the past few days is that I am very forgetful. In mid sentence or thought, my mind draws a blank. I forget what I'm doing, what I'm looking for. Last night I started to pack Matthews lunch for his summer program today. I usually finish packing his lunch in the mornings and I felt a sense of panic come over me because I was afraid I would forget his lunch tomorrow. I remember when my dad died seven years ago, I went through something similar. I would forget things a lot and lose my train of thought. I became an obsessive list maker. I think that is where I'm heading again. At one time shortly after my dad passed away, I told Chris I felt like something in my brain had disconnected or come loose. That sounds crazy, I know, but I don't know a better way to describe it. I feel sorry for Matthew having to deal with everything, especially my absent mindedness and emotional roller coaster ride right now. He is such a great kid.
Another random thought for this post. At the memorial service we had pictures of Jonathan out and a photo album that a dear friend put together for us. I was thinking how these are the only photos I will ever have of him. There will be no trips to Portrait Innovations involving multiple outfit changes and lots of crying and fussing. The pictures I have are beautiful, but they are of a child who never even took his first breath in this fallen world. Really, that is a blessing. All he has ever known and ever will know is Heaven. How awesome is that! Back to my original thought: I won't be carrying wallet size photos around of him to show off. Nobody wants to hear you say, "Would you like to see a picture of my dead baby?" A blessing and a disappointment at the same time. I am trying to see the good, the blessings, through all this.
I am looking for comfort in Him, in His word, through the blinding pain. I am praying God will use me, use Jonathan, to bring Glory to Him. What does God want me to do with this? How can I serve Him through this? How can I help others when I feel like I can barely help myself right now? Lord, give me the answers. Show me Your way. Through this, I will praise You.
This morning I was thinking about when Matthew was born, how I worried about him even when was I sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he was still beside me in the bassinet, still breathing. If he was in the bed with us, I would wake up to make sure Chris or I hadn't rolled over on him. Now that I've had Jonathan, I find myself doing the same thing. I wake up looking for him, making sure he is OK. Guess what? He's not there. I usually come to my senses and find the little heart shaped box and pull it back beside me. God give me peace, give me sanity when I feel at times I've lost mine.
One thing I've noticed the past few days is that I am very forgetful. In mid sentence or thought, my mind draws a blank. I forget what I'm doing, what I'm looking for. Last night I started to pack Matthews lunch for his summer program today. I usually finish packing his lunch in the mornings and I felt a sense of panic come over me because I was afraid I would forget his lunch tomorrow. I remember when my dad died seven years ago, I went through something similar. I would forget things a lot and lose my train of thought. I became an obsessive list maker. I think that is where I'm heading again. At one time shortly after my dad passed away, I told Chris I felt like something in my brain had disconnected or come loose. That sounds crazy, I know, but I don't know a better way to describe it. I feel sorry for Matthew having to deal with everything, especially my absent mindedness and emotional roller coaster ride right now. He is such a great kid.
Another random thought for this post. At the memorial service we had pictures of Jonathan out and a photo album that a dear friend put together for us. I was thinking how these are the only photos I will ever have of him. There will be no trips to Portrait Innovations involving multiple outfit changes and lots of crying and fussing. The pictures I have are beautiful, but they are of a child who never even took his first breath in this fallen world. Really, that is a blessing. All he has ever known and ever will know is Heaven. How awesome is that! Back to my original thought: I won't be carrying wallet size photos around of him to show off. Nobody wants to hear you say, "Would you like to see a picture of my dead baby?" A blessing and a disappointment at the same time. I am trying to see the good, the blessings, through all this.
I am looking for comfort in Him, in His word, through the blinding pain. I am praying God will use me, use Jonathan, to bring Glory to Him. What does God want me to do with this? How can I serve Him through this? How can I help others when I feel like I can barely help myself right now? Lord, give me the answers. Show me Your way. Through this, I will praise You.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Memorial Day
Today was Jonathan's memorial service. All morning I was dreading it. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. (The next section contains TMI or too much information. My sensor is broken right now so just deal with it.) This morning, in the shower, my boobs were killing me. Wouldn't you know it, my milk came in. Just one more reminder that I no longer have my baby. My body is not doing what God made it to do, so I suffer through.
The memorial service was perfect. Pastor Chris did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for a better service. It was hard to get through it, but we made it. I felt like I could have lain in the floor and thrown a fit. However, I was able to control myself. I pinched my nose hard and held my breath as much as I could. I constantly had to remind myself to breathe.
The hard part is over, right? It gets easier from here on out, right? I don't know. I pray that it does. If I didn't have Matthew, I might not get out of bed for awhile. But, he needs me and I need him. He has been such an awesome boy through all this. He'll come up, give me hugs and kisses, and say, "This is for you and this is for Jonathan." I am truly blessed to have such a special child.
Since we got home Friday I've been carrying the tiny urn around the house. I guess I am not mentally stable right now and in crazy mode. I know Jonathan is in Heaven. I know he is not here, but it's all I have right now. If he were physically here with me, breathing and crying, I wouldn't leave him in another room or on a shelf. At night, I put the urn in the bed with me and that's where it stays till the morning. I am crazy right now, but I'm dealing with the loss the best I can. If I'm still doing this in six months, I'll check myself in somewhere.
I know this post is scattered, but I'm not thinking straight. Soon I will share the details of Jonathan's birth and the days following it. Right now I am just trying to get the emotional garbage out of the way. The facts can come later. They are not changing.
"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was performed at the service today. I'll leave you with a few lines from the song that really hit home.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through
the rain
"I'm with you",
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives, and takes away.
And I'll praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
Like I said in my last post, "I will praise Him."
The memorial service was perfect. Pastor Chris did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for a better service. It was hard to get through it, but we made it. I felt like I could have lain in the floor and thrown a fit. However, I was able to control myself. I pinched my nose hard and held my breath as much as I could. I constantly had to remind myself to breathe.
The hard part is over, right? It gets easier from here on out, right? I don't know. I pray that it does. If I didn't have Matthew, I might not get out of bed for awhile. But, he needs me and I need him. He has been such an awesome boy through all this. He'll come up, give me hugs and kisses, and say, "This is for you and this is for Jonathan." I am truly blessed to have such a special child.
Since we got home Friday I've been carrying the tiny urn around the house. I guess I am not mentally stable right now and in crazy mode. I know Jonathan is in Heaven. I know he is not here, but it's all I have right now. If he were physically here with me, breathing and crying, I wouldn't leave him in another room or on a shelf. At night, I put the urn in the bed with me and that's where it stays till the morning. I am crazy right now, but I'm dealing with the loss the best I can. If I'm still doing this in six months, I'll check myself in somewhere.
I know this post is scattered, but I'm not thinking straight. Soon I will share the details of Jonathan's birth and the days following it. Right now I am just trying to get the emotional garbage out of the way. The facts can come later. They are not changing.
"Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was performed at the service today. I'll leave you with a few lines from the song that really hit home.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through
the rain
"I'm with you",
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives, and takes away.
And I'll praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
Like I said in my last post, "I will praise Him."
Saturday, May 30, 2009
why?
Why is the world still going on around me and everyone is going on with there day to day business? Doesn't everyone know that my baby, my Jonathan, is dead? I feel like everyone should stop to mourn his loss. There is so much I don't understand right now and I probably never will. So many questions, so few answers. The one answer I do know is God is good. He loves me. He feels my pain. He is holding me. He is holding Jonathan. He is true. He is real. He will heal me. He is sovereign. He is eternal. I do and will love Him and praise Him.
I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.
My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.
I hurt so much, sometimes I can't breathe. It feels like my breath has been kicked out of me. I will be fine one minute and in an uncontrollable sob the next. The pain comes in spurts, it comes hard, it comes fast, and often. I will get through it. I will praise Him.
My body is numb. My heart is in pieces. I will praise Him.
empty
I think the title explains it all, I am empty. My baby is gone. I will never see him take his first breath or hear him cry. I will never change his first diaper, breastfeed, or give him his first bath. He will never say Momma or Dadda or attempt to say Matthew. I will never get to see him smile or hear his laugh. There is a lifetime of things I will never get to experience with him. But he is having experiences I could never imagine with our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful. I am selfish though and am so saddened, numb, and angry that he is not with me. I want him in my arms. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted to have life experiences with him and raise him to know the one true God. I WANT MY BABY BACK! We weren't ready to give him to God. It's not suppose to be like this.......................................................but it is. I am an empty shell now. Though I still look pregnant, I think I feel him move, I worry about the medicine I'm on and if it is effecting him. I'm not pregnant, he's not moving, and I can take any medicines I want. He's gone and I am broken. I am empty.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Please pray!
Well, I know I haven't updated in awhile but a lot has gone on. Last Tues was my first appointment with my OB and everything went great. She noted that I had a subchorionic hematoma amd heard the heartbeat. It was in the 160's. She said if I had not had any bleeding by now then I probably wouldn't. What do you know, Wed. morning aroung 12:30 I start bleeding. I went back to the Dr.'s office and they said I had a ruptured blood vessel, but the baby was fine.
By Fri. evening, I quit bleeding but still have a lot of cramping that continues into Sat. Sunday morning around 1:30, I start gushing blood. I call the after hours number and luckily, Dr. B is on call. She tells me to head to the ER. We have an ultrasound and the baby looks good. Good heart rate, good movement. They go ahead and give me my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. Diagnosis: threatened miscarriage. We go home and schedule an appointment with Dr.B for Tues.
This morning I have another ultrasound the hematoma has grown from 3cm last Wed. to 7 cm today. A small edge of the placenta has separated ( around 5-10%) and there is still a large amount of blood in my uterus. However, the baby is fine. Good movement, good heart rate. Dr. B explains that if the bleed continues to grow, I will more than likely miscarry. I am 12 weeks 3 days and Peanut is measuring 12 weeks 5 days. Dr.B also said I could bleed for quite some time, up to 16-28 weeks.
I am on bed rest, pretty much so, until my next appointment on Monday. Please be in prayer that the hematoma will not grow anymore and that it will shrink. I know that God is totally in control and I/we totally trust in Him. I will post more as I know more.
By Fri. evening, I quit bleeding but still have a lot of cramping that continues into Sat. Sunday morning around 1:30, I start gushing blood. I call the after hours number and luckily, Dr. B is on call. She tells me to head to the ER. We have an ultrasound and the baby looks good. Good heart rate, good movement. They go ahead and give me my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. Diagnosis: threatened miscarriage. We go home and schedule an appointment with Dr.B for Tues.
This morning I have another ultrasound the hematoma has grown from 3cm last Wed. to 7 cm today. A small edge of the placenta has separated ( around 5-10%) and there is still a large amount of blood in my uterus. However, the baby is fine. Good movement, good heart rate. Dr. B explains that if the bleed continues to grow, I will more than likely miscarry. I am 12 weeks 3 days and Peanut is measuring 12 weeks 5 days. Dr.B also said I could bleed for quite some time, up to 16-28 weeks.
I am on bed rest, pretty much so, until my next appointment on Monday. Please be in prayer that the hematoma will not grow anymore and that it will shrink. I know that God is totally in control and I/we totally trust in Him. I will post more as I know more.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The fun begins!
I know I haven't updated in awhile and I will try to better. I have been exhausted and nauseated ALOT. So in the past week and a half what all has happened? I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and actually met with the Dr. to discuss my release date to the Ob/Gyn. She decided that Mar 13 will be my last appointment with them. I will be 10 weeks. My first appointment with the Ob/Gyn is Mar 24. The ultrasound Wed looked good. Peanut is growing right on track. I do have a fibroid in my uterus and a small bleed that are keeping an eye on. The Dr. said neither should propose a problem. If the fibroid gets too big or blocks the opening of my cervix then I will have to have a c section. But, I had a c section with M so I am not worried.
This past week I have been terribly nauseated and it stinks. I have not really found anything that will ease it. I plan on getting some of those Preggie Pops. They sell them at Babys r Us and the Dr. even said she had heard good things about them. I have been very tired the past 10-12 days. Working with 11 four olds 8 hours a day can be exhausting some days. By the time I get home, I am ready to crash. I have also been having a few cravings.........Olive Garden salad dressing is the main one. I could drink it with a straw. I have also been wanting lots of meat and cheese. I am not a big hamburger consumer but I have been wanting it alot lately. I could eat a whole pack of cheese in one sitting, but that doesn't do very much for the constipation issue (TMI, I know). I love feeling this way though. It just confirms that I am pregnant.
We told M and he is so excited. When we told him, we gave him a book titled "I'm a big brother" and showed the ultrasound picture. He said, "I knew you would be pregnant because we had been praying about it." He has been telling anyone who will listen that he is going to be a big brother. He even had a friend come spend the night the day we told him. He told his friend he couldn't jump on me or my stomach because I was going to have a baby. He is so sweet. I think he will be an awesome big brother. We had C's parents over and M showed them his new book and the picture. My MIL said, "But your not a big brother." It took them a minute to catch on, but when they did they were so excited. My MIL started crying. It was sweet.
My birthday was yesterday and I turned 32. I went Sat. and got a hair cut for my birthday. I told C and M that's what I wanted. Then a friend surprised me and took me to get a pedicure. We had some friends over for dinner Sat. night to celebrate and C cooked for me. It was a great day!
Sunday it snowed! We went to church, but Matthew's baptism got cancelled again. We went to the in laws for birthday dinner after church and played in the snow awhile. Yesterday C cooked for me again. He always does. He is the chef of the family. We had a nice quiet dinner at home. Me and M went on a hunt for an astronaut outfit tonight. His class is putting on a wax museum Fri. and M is going to be John Glenn. He has to dress as his famous American. We had no luck finding what we needed so we will be on a wild hunt again tomorrow night.
My friend, Ashley, had a great report at the Dr. yesterday. She IS pregnant! Praise God! Please be in prayer for her and her hubby that things continue to go well and she has a healthy pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. Fri and will post more then. I will try this weekend to get some pics posted. I don't really like how my blog looks so I need to figure out how to Dr. it up.
This past week I have been terribly nauseated and it stinks. I have not really found anything that will ease it. I plan on getting some of those Preggie Pops. They sell them at Babys r Us and the Dr. even said she had heard good things about them. I have been very tired the past 10-12 days. Working with 11 four olds 8 hours a day can be exhausting some days. By the time I get home, I am ready to crash. I have also been having a few cravings.........Olive Garden salad dressing is the main one. I could drink it with a straw. I have also been wanting lots of meat and cheese. I am not a big hamburger consumer but I have been wanting it alot lately. I could eat a whole pack of cheese in one sitting, but that doesn't do very much for the constipation issue (TMI, I know). I love feeling this way though. It just confirms that I am pregnant.
We told M and he is so excited. When we told him, we gave him a book titled "I'm a big brother" and showed the ultrasound picture. He said, "I knew you would be pregnant because we had been praying about it." He has been telling anyone who will listen that he is going to be a big brother. He even had a friend come spend the night the day we told him. He told his friend he couldn't jump on me or my stomach because I was going to have a baby. He is so sweet. I think he will be an awesome big brother. We had C's parents over and M showed them his new book and the picture. My MIL said, "But your not a big brother." It took them a minute to catch on, but when they did they were so excited. My MIL started crying. It was sweet.
My birthday was yesterday and I turned 32. I went Sat. and got a hair cut for my birthday. I told C and M that's what I wanted. Then a friend surprised me and took me to get a pedicure. We had some friends over for dinner Sat. night to celebrate and C cooked for me. It was a great day!
Sunday it snowed! We went to church, but Matthew's baptism got cancelled again. We went to the in laws for birthday dinner after church and played in the snow awhile. Yesterday C cooked for me again. He always does. He is the chef of the family. We had a nice quiet dinner at home. Me and M went on a hunt for an astronaut outfit tonight. His class is putting on a wax museum Fri. and M is going to be John Glenn. He has to dress as his famous American. We had no luck finding what we needed so we will be on a wild hunt again tomorrow night.
My friend, Ashley, had a great report at the Dr. yesterday. She IS pregnant! Praise God! Please be in prayer for her and her hubby that things continue to go well and she has a healthy pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. Fri and will post more then. I will try this weekend to get some pics posted. I don't really like how my blog looks so I need to figure out how to Dr. it up.
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