So I haven't written in over 2 months, and what a title to come up with, huh? I have been angry for a while now. Not just angry, and even though I don't like this word and try not to use it often, but I have just been pissed. About what, you might ask? Life in general. I don't really know who I'm angry with, not God, not the doctors, I don't know!
I looked up the stages of grief and anger is one of them. However, I'm tired of being angry. It makes life more difficult for yourself and family. I'm getting through it. Just not as quickly as I would like.
Three months ago today, is the day our world came crashing down. I am home sick with the flu today and the memories of May 27 consume me. I miss my Jonathan so much. I want to hold him again and smell him and kiss him.
I was thinking the other day about holding him. I remember how cold he was, like a little block of ice. I kept wrapping him up in his blanket and then I would hold him next to my chest under my blanket, trying to warm him up. That sounds crazy, I know. It just wasn't suppose to be like this. I'm still searching for God's answers through this. Not His answers, but some sort of direction, comfort, peace. Maybe I don't even know what I'm searching for. I'm just taking it one day at a time and doing my best to put my trust in my Savior.
On another subject, Saturday, I'll be participating in a 5k called Baby Steps in memory of Jonathan. All proceeds go to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. The Amelia Center offers free grief counseling for people who have lost loved ones, especially children. The date will be August 29 and that is the day my baby shower was planned for. I can't think of a better way to spend the day, than doing something to help someone else and I'll have friends and family there to support me.
Keep praying for us and I'll try to post more often.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
So, I haven't written in awhile. I just haven't felt like writing. Some days I feel emotionless and other days the emotions flood me. I try not to think about everything that has happened. It seems to be the only way I can function, if I just push it to the back of my mind.
Today is Father's Day. Chris and I haven't talked about the loss of Jonathan today or really much at all lately. I have not wanted to bring it up. He will always be a daddy to two boys to me.
We went to church this morning and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in probably a month in a half. She is pregnant. I asked her how she was, if she knew what she was having yet. I just tried to make small talk. She asked how I was doing and I said fine, assuming she knew what had happened. She asked if I knew what I was having. I think I looked at her dumbfounded for just a minute, then I told her we had a little boy May 27 and he was still born. She started tearing up and, of course, I did too. She apologized profusely and I told her it was fine. I could have laid down and cried like a baby in the middle of church, but I didn't it. However, that one comment seemed to change the whole course of my day, my whole attitude. I hate that! Here I am, suppose to be celebrating what an awesome husband I have and how great a father he is to our son and I let one little honest accidental comment throw me for a loop.
I have been doing better. Before today, I haven't cried since Wednesday at my doctor's appointment. I hate being so emotional and feeling so unbalanced. I never know if something is going to make me laugh or cry, and poor Chris gets all the bad stuff because I don't know what or who to give it to. Maybe I should buy a pinata and just beat the stuffing out of it. Of course, I would have to fill it up with candy first so after I have a maniac attack on it, I can drown my sorrow in candy. How does that sound? Chris's birthday is Friday and I might need to purchase a pinata for his 39th birthday. I'll run the idea by him. He might want to take a lick at it too.
I am feeling better day by day. I honestly feel like God has given me some sort of peace and comfort through all this. I was listening to WDJC the other day and the dj shared a devotional. The scripture was Romans 5:2b-4 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I love those verses. I do have hope.
Happy Father's Day!
Today is Father's Day. Chris and I haven't talked about the loss of Jonathan today or really much at all lately. I have not wanted to bring it up. He will always be a daddy to two boys to me.
We went to church this morning and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in probably a month in a half. She is pregnant. I asked her how she was, if she knew what she was having yet. I just tried to make small talk. She asked how I was doing and I said fine, assuming she knew what had happened. She asked if I knew what I was having. I think I looked at her dumbfounded for just a minute, then I told her we had a little boy May 27 and he was still born. She started tearing up and, of course, I did too. She apologized profusely and I told her it was fine. I could have laid down and cried like a baby in the middle of church, but I didn't it. However, that one comment seemed to change the whole course of my day, my whole attitude. I hate that! Here I am, suppose to be celebrating what an awesome husband I have and how great a father he is to our son and I let one little honest accidental comment throw me for a loop.
I have been doing better. Before today, I haven't cried since Wednesday at my doctor's appointment. I hate being so emotional and feeling so unbalanced. I never know if something is going to make me laugh or cry, and poor Chris gets all the bad stuff because I don't know what or who to give it to. Maybe I should buy a pinata and just beat the stuffing out of it. Of course, I would have to fill it up with candy first so after I have a maniac attack on it, I can drown my sorrow in candy. How does that sound? Chris's birthday is Friday and I might need to purchase a pinata for his 39th birthday. I'll run the idea by him. He might want to take a lick at it too.
I am feeling better day by day. I honestly feel like God has given me some sort of peace and comfort through all this. I was listening to WDJC the other day and the dj shared a devotional. The scripture was Romans 5:2b-4 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I love those verses. I do have hope.
Happy Father's Day!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Mad
It has been 15 days since I gave birth to my second son. The pain is still raw. I don't feel like writing much. I went to my doctor yesterday for an ultrasound of my gall bladder. They wanted to rule out any problems with it since I've been throwing up all the time. I told them it was just stress and nerves. It was painful going back to that office. Same room, same ultrasound tech, 2 weeks to the day I last saw Jonathan. His heart still beating.
The u/s tech gave me a hug and condolences first thing. I showed her the photo album of Jonathan. We both cried. She asked if it happened the same day as my last u/s. I told her I delivered him 3 hours and 56 minutes later. We both cried. As she did the u/s, I looked away from the monitor as far as I could. There was nothing there I wanted to see anymore. I cried. She gave me the last u/s pictures of Jonathan. I didn't take a cd with me, May 27. I wasn't thinking and I was in too much pain. The pictures she gave me are on x ray film. It makes me mad when I look at them. At 3:24pm, Jonathan's heart was beating. Who or what am I mad at? I don't know!?! I told Chris and my dear friend Julie, who took me to the doctor, I wanted to kick the u/s tech in the knee and run away. That's real mature, right?
So I'm mad now! I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, confused.
The u/s tech gave me a hug and condolences first thing. I showed her the photo album of Jonathan. We both cried. She asked if it happened the same day as my last u/s. I told her I delivered him 3 hours and 56 minutes later. We both cried. As she did the u/s, I looked away from the monitor as far as I could. There was nothing there I wanted to see anymore. I cried. She gave me the last u/s pictures of Jonathan. I didn't take a cd with me, May 27. I wasn't thinking and I was in too much pain. The pictures she gave me are on x ray film. It makes me mad when I look at them. At 3:24pm, Jonathan's heart was beating. Who or what am I mad at? I don't know!?! I told Chris and my dear friend Julie, who took me to the doctor, I wanted to kick the u/s tech in the knee and run away. That's real mature, right?
So I'm mad now! I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, confused.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Gatlinburg
Last Thursday, we left for Gatlinburg. My work has been so gracious to us. They paid for our lodging for our trip. It was actually their idea. I was so relieved and overwhelmed with emotion when my boss called me and said they wanted to send us on a trip. Thank you so much North Valley Early Learning Center. You have been so supportive and caring during this time. We love you.
We started packing Thursday morning. That was hard. All the clothes I have that fit were and are maternity. I know I stood at my closet for at least 30 minutes trying to find stuff to wear. With everything I picked I thought, "I was pregnant when I wore this last." Once again, I cried. We finally got packed and then came the part I had been dreading. Before you say anything, I KNOW that Jonathan is in Heaven. But, I was going to have to leave the one physical thing I had been holding on to, the heart shaped box. I set the basket with the box in it on the table. I still had several vases of flowers so I put them around the basket along with the bear Matthew had made Peanut at Build a Bear the week before he was born,and then I put out the stupid lamb. I left the heart shaped box behind. Chris made me, and I knew that was best. I cried again as I left to go to the car. Once again, I was leaving Jonathan. I KNOW he's not there. I KNOW where he is. My arms ached and still ache to hold him though. We should have been going to Gatlinburg as a family of four sometime next year, that is how it was suppose to be.
So we left. We took our Ipods to have music to listen to on the way up there. Matthew did so good on the long trip. He sang a lot and watched a movie. Chris and I talked about things and shed a few tears. It was a good trip.
We got there and decided to see if we could go ahead and check into the cabin. We did and it was so nice. We got settled in, then took Matthew to an arcade in Pigeon Forge. Of course, I got sick while were there. Matthew had a blast and won lots of tickets and got a few prizes. We went to eat and then back to the cabin. My favorite thing to do in Gatlinburg, besides just to be in the mountains, is eat. This time I wasn't able to enjoy it. Every time I ate, I got sick. The doctor gave me Zofran for nausea, but it just gives me headaches.
We stayed busy Friday, even though it was raining, We walked around downtown Gatlinburg. We found a store that does engraving on wood and stone. We had a 6 x 6 square piece of granite engraved with Mark 10:16: "And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Then we had Jonathan's name and date of birth engraved under the verse. What ever we decide to do with the urn, we will use the granite as a marker. It felt good to have that made. The lady who waited on us made the comment that I was holding up well. I wanted to say, "If you could see in my heart, you would think different." But I didn't. I have managed to keep my composure, to most people. Chris seems to get most of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, he is struggling too. I forget that sometimes.
We took Matthew to play putt putt and drive go karts. He smiled from ear to ear. It was good to see him so happy. Before we left for our trip, Matthew prayed. He asked God to let us have a good time and for me to be happy and not cry. He has seen me shed more tears than I ever wanted him to. I've told him that it's OK for Mommy to cry and it is how Mommy's heart heals. He has been so concerned about me. I love that little boy so much.
Saturday was not a good day for me. When I woke up, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. We went to eat. Chris and I both got sick. He has had trouble too. We headed to Cades Cove. Halfway through our drive, I got really sick. We always enjoy going out there, but weren't able to this time. We headed back to the cabin and I napped for about an hour. Later that evening, we went out to eat. I got sick again. We stopped at a place called Hillbilly Village to look around. We bought one of those stick people family stickers to put on our car. We only had three people on the sticker, another reminder we aren't and won't be a family of four. We took Matthew to play putt putt again. He had a blast and got a hole in one twice. He was so excited!
We got up Sunday morning and headed home. Matthew did great again on the long trip back home. Chris and I talked about what we could do with Jonathan and how we needed to try and do something soon. We talked about my job and how I dreaded going back and how he dreaded going back, not just to our jobs, but home too. Back to reality. We talked about scripture and God and if we would be blessed with another child one day. I am not willing to accept the thought that we won't have more children. More than anything, my heart's desire is to have a house full of children. Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a mommy. When I was 10 or so, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would have said a mommy. I am a mommy to a wonderful little boy, but I have so much more love to give.
Chris and I talked about how we wanted to be sure that we were doing what God wants us to do. We don't want to say, "Hey God, this is what we're planning so will You bless it?" We want God to lead us where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. I don't know where or what that is right now. I know God is holding me and He is with me, He has a plan for me, for us. But I do feel so lost. I am just trying to make it through each day right now. I don't really feel like I have a direction. Just to get up in the morning takes everything I have.
My head tells me, it will get better in time. But my heart is so broken. People tell me that I am so strong, but I feel so weak. My body, mind, heart, and soul feel so torn. I am doing good to get out of bed and showered everyday. Anything more takes a lot of thought and effort. I pray that God gives me strength, comfort, hope, courage, peace, direction. I am praying that He is the center of everything I do, everything I say, all of my relationships, especially my relationship with my husband and son. He has been the center at times, when I have let Him, but I have not made Him my constant. I need Him now more than ever....................forever. For always.
A verse Chris and I talked about on our trip was part of Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God." This is what I need to do.......to be still and know that He is God. God is God! To know that He has a plan for me, that He only wants what is best for me. He is my Father and loves me more than my earthly father ever could have. I need to be still. I need to hear His voice. I need to be in His presence.
Another verse I came across was Col. 3:2-4 "set your minds on things that are above, not on things on the earth; for you are dead, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory." This one is hard for me. Set my mind on things that are above!?! Lord, help me to do this. I seem to focus so much on the pain I'm feeling. I just want to focus on Him. I just want to heal. I miss my Jonathan so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss the hope and dreams we had for him. All the plans we had made. But, they were not His plan. He knows what is best. It is still a lot for me to accept.
Please continue to pray for us. I am trying so hard to focus on Him, to focus on these verses, to focus on healing, on my family. Sometimes I am just consumed by my sorrow. It is overwhelming.
We started packing Thursday morning. That was hard. All the clothes I have that fit were and are maternity. I know I stood at my closet for at least 30 minutes trying to find stuff to wear. With everything I picked I thought, "I was pregnant when I wore this last." Once again, I cried. We finally got packed and then came the part I had been dreading. Before you say anything, I KNOW that Jonathan is in Heaven. But, I was going to have to leave the one physical thing I had been holding on to, the heart shaped box. I set the basket with the box in it on the table. I still had several vases of flowers so I put them around the basket along with the bear Matthew had made Peanut at Build a Bear the week before he was born,and then I put out the stupid lamb. I left the heart shaped box behind. Chris made me, and I knew that was best. I cried again as I left to go to the car. Once again, I was leaving Jonathan. I KNOW he's not there. I KNOW where he is. My arms ached and still ache to hold him though. We should have been going to Gatlinburg as a family of four sometime next year, that is how it was suppose to be.
So we left. We took our Ipods to have music to listen to on the way up there. Matthew did so good on the long trip. He sang a lot and watched a movie. Chris and I talked about things and shed a few tears. It was a good trip.
We got there and decided to see if we could go ahead and check into the cabin. We did and it was so nice. We got settled in, then took Matthew to an arcade in Pigeon Forge. Of course, I got sick while were there. Matthew had a blast and won lots of tickets and got a few prizes. We went to eat and then back to the cabin. My favorite thing to do in Gatlinburg, besides just to be in the mountains, is eat. This time I wasn't able to enjoy it. Every time I ate, I got sick. The doctor gave me Zofran for nausea, but it just gives me headaches.
We stayed busy Friday, even though it was raining, We walked around downtown Gatlinburg. We found a store that does engraving on wood and stone. We had a 6 x 6 square piece of granite engraved with Mark 10:16: "And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Then we had Jonathan's name and date of birth engraved under the verse. What ever we decide to do with the urn, we will use the granite as a marker. It felt good to have that made. The lady who waited on us made the comment that I was holding up well. I wanted to say, "If you could see in my heart, you would think different." But I didn't. I have managed to keep my composure, to most people. Chris seems to get most of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, he is struggling too. I forget that sometimes.
We took Matthew to play putt putt and drive go karts. He smiled from ear to ear. It was good to see him so happy. Before we left for our trip, Matthew prayed. He asked God to let us have a good time and for me to be happy and not cry. He has seen me shed more tears than I ever wanted him to. I've told him that it's OK for Mommy to cry and it is how Mommy's heart heals. He has been so concerned about me. I love that little boy so much.
Saturday was not a good day for me. When I woke up, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did. We went to eat. Chris and I both got sick. He has had trouble too. We headed to Cades Cove. Halfway through our drive, I got really sick. We always enjoy going out there, but weren't able to this time. We headed back to the cabin and I napped for about an hour. Later that evening, we went out to eat. I got sick again. We stopped at a place called Hillbilly Village to look around. We bought one of those stick people family stickers to put on our car. We only had three people on the sticker, another reminder we aren't and won't be a family of four. We took Matthew to play putt putt again. He had a blast and got a hole in one twice. He was so excited!
We got up Sunday morning and headed home. Matthew did great again on the long trip back home. Chris and I talked about what we could do with Jonathan and how we needed to try and do something soon. We talked about my job and how I dreaded going back and how he dreaded going back, not just to our jobs, but home too. Back to reality. We talked about scripture and God and if we would be blessed with another child one day. I am not willing to accept the thought that we won't have more children. More than anything, my heart's desire is to have a house full of children. Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a mommy. When I was 10 or so, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would have said a mommy. I am a mommy to a wonderful little boy, but I have so much more love to give.
Chris and I talked about how we wanted to be sure that we were doing what God wants us to do. We don't want to say, "Hey God, this is what we're planning so will You bless it?" We want God to lead us where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. I don't know where or what that is right now. I know God is holding me and He is with me, He has a plan for me, for us. But I do feel so lost. I am just trying to make it through each day right now. I don't really feel like I have a direction. Just to get up in the morning takes everything I have.
My head tells me, it will get better in time. But my heart is so broken. People tell me that I am so strong, but I feel so weak. My body, mind, heart, and soul feel so torn. I am doing good to get out of bed and showered everyday. Anything more takes a lot of thought and effort. I pray that God gives me strength, comfort, hope, courage, peace, direction. I am praying that He is the center of everything I do, everything I say, all of my relationships, especially my relationship with my husband and son. He has been the center at times, when I have let Him, but I have not made Him my constant. I need Him now more than ever....................forever. For always.
A verse Chris and I talked about on our trip was part of Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God." This is what I need to do.......to be still and know that He is God. God is God! To know that He has a plan for me, that He only wants what is best for me. He is my Father and loves me more than my earthly father ever could have. I need to be still. I need to hear His voice. I need to be in His presence.
Another verse I came across was Col. 3:2-4 "set your minds on things that are above, not on things on the earth; for you are dead, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory." This one is hard for me. Set my mind on things that are above!?! Lord, help me to do this. I seem to focus so much on the pain I'm feeling. I just want to focus on Him. I just want to heal. I miss my Jonathan so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss the hope and dreams we had for him. All the plans we had made. But, they were not His plan. He knows what is best. It is still a lot for me to accept.
Please continue to pray for us. I am trying so hard to focus on Him, to focus on these verses, to focus on healing, on my family. Sometimes I am just consumed by my sorrow. It is overwhelming.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
So, I think I left off at Thursday morning, May 28. By 5:15, I was calling close friends to let them know what happened. Well, I was dialing numbers and Chris was doing the talking. Our minister of music was at the hospital first thing with McDonald's in hand. Our pastor was there shortly after. We have such an awesome church. They have supported us so much through all this. If you are reading this, thank you. Two of my good friends showed up later in the morning. I asked to see Jonathan again. They brought him to us in a tiny wicker bassinet. The side of his head was bruised from how he had been laying all night and things were starting to settle. I know he wasn't really there, but it broke my heart even more to see him like that.
My in laws came by and brought Matthew. My best friend, Julie, took Matthew down to the gift shop and bought him candy and a toy shark. My MIL held Jonathan again while they were gone. My other good friend, Kristen, had her camera with her and took pictures of Jonathan, me, and Chris. That was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those pictures and for good friends who are willing to do things, even when they're uncomfortable. Kristen and Julie got to hold Jonathan too. It was nice to share him with others. He was so beautiful, even in death. He was perfect.
We made the arrangements. So many decisions to make so quickly. I felt like we didn't have time to think. We decided to cremate Jonathan and have a memorial service at our church. Once again, our church family has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of us. We needed some direction and someone to talk all this out with, and we found it. Thank you God! Our church family has been such a blessing through all this.
We had visitors for awhile and then it was quiet. The hospital chaplain came by to pray with us. When she walked in, she asked if I was holding a stuffed bear. I told her no, it was my baby. She said nothing for a few moments, then prayed with us. After she left, I told Chris to go ahead and run home so he could shower and take care of the dogs. I was going to try and rest, but couldn't. I held Jonathan the whole time Chris was gone. I talked to Chris on the phone a few times and to Julie again. Several people called during that time. The funeral home was suppose to come pick Jonathan up around 3:30. I think it was almost 4 when the nurse came back in. I asked the nurse when they were coming to pick him up and told her she could take him. I kissed him on the cheek and wrapped him up real tight. That was so hard. I know that he had already passed, but to actually have to physically give him away................I can't think of the words to describe the pain I felt. At 7:20PM on May 27, Jonathan had already passed, but I was still holding my baby. I didn't really want him to go. I wasn't ready to let him go, but he needed to. His little hands had started curling up and his skin was so thin. His little gown made an indention in his chin from the way I had been holding him for so long. It was time for him to go. I called Chris and cried. In that moment, I felt so alone.
Chris came back to the hospital and we had visitors the rest of the night till about 10. We tried to rest, but were unsuccessful. They continued to give me IV antibiotics throughout the night. Friday we were able to get ready to go home. My mother finally showed up to visit for a few minutes. After her visit, I got up to take a shower. The nurse came by and brought me a stuffed lamb. A lovely parting gift (insert obnoxious tone here)..........................stupid lamb. Chris went down to bring the car around and the cna wheeled me out. As I rolled out, I carried the lamb. I heard a newborn baby cry just a few doors down. Stupid lamb! I left the hospital holding a stuffed animal lamb when I should be holding my baby. STUPID LAMB!!!!!......................................I cried when I got into the car.
On the way home, we stopped to pick Matthew up. I sat in the car while Chris ran into his mom's. We got home and I laid on the couch. Ants had invaded our kitchen while we were gone (a whole 2 days). Chris got busy cleaning out cabinets. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. While he was gone, the funeral home called. Jonathan was ready to be picked up. I cried uncontrollably. I called Chris to tell him we would need to go pick up Jonathan when he got home. Matthew was so sweet and just loved on me. Matthew asked what we were going to do. I told him we were going to pick up Jonathan. He didn't really understand. I tried to explain it to him and when Chris got home he explained it too, the best he could. Matthew just said OK.
My heart was so heavy as we were driving there. At times, I couldn't breathe. Chris went into get Jonathan. I just couldn't get out of the car. On the way home, I held the little blue velvet box that contained the silver heart urn. I cried. On the way home, the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on. Matthew knew all the words. He sang it, and sang it loud. That moment was so surreal. I was listening to my son sing praises to Jesus and holding the remains of my other son who is with my Savior. God is good!
The next day or so was a blur. I remember Saturday going to Russ and Amanda's house first thing. Amanda created a scrapbook of Jonathan and enlarged and framed some photos of him for the memorial service Sunday. We came home and laid on the couch till the afternoon. We had visitors in and out till about 10 that night. It was nice to have the company. So many people loving on us during such a dark time. Sunday was coming soon and Chris and I were dreading it.
I've already written about the service, so I won't go there again. One thing I didn't write about is what happened on the way to the church. I was holding the little white wicker basket that held the heart shaped urn and "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on again. Matthew sang his heart out once again. Once again, I cried. Holding one son and listening to the other sing. So beautiful, it is a moment that will be forever etched into my mind.
My in laws came by and brought Matthew. My best friend, Julie, took Matthew down to the gift shop and bought him candy and a toy shark. My MIL held Jonathan again while they were gone. My other good friend, Kristen, had her camera with her and took pictures of Jonathan, me, and Chris. That was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those pictures and for good friends who are willing to do things, even when they're uncomfortable. Kristen and Julie got to hold Jonathan too. It was nice to share him with others. He was so beautiful, even in death. He was perfect.
We made the arrangements. So many decisions to make so quickly. I felt like we didn't have time to think. We decided to cremate Jonathan and have a memorial service at our church. Once again, our church family has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of us. We needed some direction and someone to talk all this out with, and we found it. Thank you God! Our church family has been such a blessing through all this.
We had visitors for awhile and then it was quiet. The hospital chaplain came by to pray with us. When she walked in, she asked if I was holding a stuffed bear. I told her no, it was my baby. She said nothing for a few moments, then prayed with us. After she left, I told Chris to go ahead and run home so he could shower and take care of the dogs. I was going to try and rest, but couldn't. I held Jonathan the whole time Chris was gone. I talked to Chris on the phone a few times and to Julie again. Several people called during that time. The funeral home was suppose to come pick Jonathan up around 3:30. I think it was almost 4 when the nurse came back in. I asked the nurse when they were coming to pick him up and told her she could take him. I kissed him on the cheek and wrapped him up real tight. That was so hard. I know that he had already passed, but to actually have to physically give him away................I can't think of the words to describe the pain I felt. At 7:20PM on May 27, Jonathan had already passed, but I was still holding my baby. I didn't really want him to go. I wasn't ready to let him go, but he needed to. His little hands had started curling up and his skin was so thin. His little gown made an indention in his chin from the way I had been holding him for so long. It was time for him to go. I called Chris and cried. In that moment, I felt so alone.
Chris came back to the hospital and we had visitors the rest of the night till about 10. We tried to rest, but were unsuccessful. They continued to give me IV antibiotics throughout the night. Friday we were able to get ready to go home. My mother finally showed up to visit for a few minutes. After her visit, I got up to take a shower. The nurse came by and brought me a stuffed lamb. A lovely parting gift (insert obnoxious tone here)..........................stupid lamb. Chris went down to bring the car around and the cna wheeled me out. As I rolled out, I carried the lamb. I heard a newborn baby cry just a few doors down. Stupid lamb! I left the hospital holding a stuffed animal lamb when I should be holding my baby. STUPID LAMB!!!!!......................................I cried when I got into the car.
On the way home, we stopped to pick Matthew up. I sat in the car while Chris ran into his mom's. We got home and I laid on the couch. Ants had invaded our kitchen while we were gone (a whole 2 days). Chris got busy cleaning out cabinets. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. While he was gone, the funeral home called. Jonathan was ready to be picked up. I cried uncontrollably. I called Chris to tell him we would need to go pick up Jonathan when he got home. Matthew was so sweet and just loved on me. Matthew asked what we were going to do. I told him we were going to pick up Jonathan. He didn't really understand. I tried to explain it to him and when Chris got home he explained it too, the best he could. Matthew just said OK.
My heart was so heavy as we were driving there. At times, I couldn't breathe. Chris went into get Jonathan. I just couldn't get out of the car. On the way home, I held the little blue velvet box that contained the silver heart urn. I cried. On the way home, the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on. Matthew knew all the words. He sang it, and sang it loud. That moment was so surreal. I was listening to my son sing praises to Jesus and holding the remains of my other son who is with my Savior. God is good!
The next day or so was a blur. I remember Saturday going to Russ and Amanda's house first thing. Amanda created a scrapbook of Jonathan and enlarged and framed some photos of him for the memorial service Sunday. We came home and laid on the couch till the afternoon. We had visitors in and out till about 10 that night. It was nice to have the company. So many people loving on us during such a dark time. Sunday was coming soon and Chris and I were dreading it.
I've already written about the service, so I won't go there again. One thing I didn't write about is what happened on the way to the church. I was holding the little white wicker basket that held the heart shaped urn and "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin came on again. Matthew sang his heart out once again. Once again, I cried. Holding one son and listening to the other sing. So beautiful, it is a moment that will be forever etched into my mind.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
One Week Ago Today
One week ago today, I gave birth to a precious baby boy. I had no idea it would end like this, no indication I would come home empty handed. It just happened, and it happened fast. I ask Why? a hundred times a day. There are no answers. I seek the peace and comfort that only God can give me and it feels like it is still so far out of reach. It will come. In time, it will come.
One week ago today, before 7:20PM, I was pregnant. I had been pregnant for 20 weeks, 4 days. So many hopes and dreams of new life shattered. Yet at the same time, those same hopes and dreams renewed. My baby is with his true Father, the One who created him. Jonathan is whole and will never experience the pain of this world. Praise God!
Wednesday morning, May 27, 2009, was just another morning. Chris, Matthew, and I were all excited because we would be leaving for Gatlinburg, TN on Thursday. We hadn't had a family vacation in three years and were really looking forward to it. I had talked to Dr. B the previous week and she said I would be fine. My instructions were to stay hydrated, stop often on the trip there and back to walk around, expect more bleeding due to increased activity. I would see her at my next appointment, June 3.
I got up, dropped Matthew off at his summer program, and went to work. After I got to work, I started cramping a little. Nothing new. I had cramped on and off throughout the pregnancy and usually it just meant the bleeding would increase, but the baby was fine. The cramping continued throughout the morning and I took some Tylenol. It didn't seem to help. By lunch time, I called my doctor. I apologized like I always did for having to bother them. My friends and I joked about my weekly visits and how I was always calling the nurse. The nurse called me back and asked if the Tylenol had helped any, to which I responded no. Dr. B wanted me to come on in for my weekly ultrasound, so my appointment was set for 3:20. I left work around 2:15. I checked in the office at 3:15. By then the cramps were stronger. I asked if they were running on time and told the receptionist I was cramping pretty bad. By 3:45, I was in the ultrasound room. Just as I expected, Jonathan was fine. His heart rate was 150. He had good movement. He was head down, which I thought was strange. He had never been like that before. The hematoma was still there, but Jonathan's head was pressing on it. Dr. B said that is why I was cramping. I would be passing a lot more blood, hopefully the whole hematoma and by next week this would all be over with. I would be a normal pregnant woman with no complications. She told me to go home, lie down, take Tylenol, a warm bath, and apply a heating pad. So I left.
I called Chris as I left the hospital to fill him in. I started cramping so bad, I was having trouble driving. I finally made it home after breaking the speed limit. The cramping had gotten 10 times worse and I could barely stand it. I should have turned around and went back to the hospital. I told myself that as I was driving home. I didn't want to be the overreacting pregnant lady so I ignored my instincts. Chris arrived home about 20 minutes after me. By the time he came in, I was yelling, "Oh God, please help me," and crying. It only took 3 or 4 minutes for Chris to decide I was going to the ER. He called the after hours number, the doctor didn't call back. He called again when we got in the car and told them we were headed to the ER. During this time, Chris's mom had come to the house to pick up Matthew. Poor Matthew was so worried. I didn't even greet him when Chris brought him home. I couldn't talk or focus, I was hurting so bad.
On the way to the ER, I kept my eyes closed for the most part. Every time a wave of pain would hit me, I would open them to look at the clock. I then realized I was having back labor, contractions 2 minutes apart. We got to the ER. They came out and got me in a wheelchair. Chris had to go park the car and I was trying to explain to them what wass going on. I told them I had just been at the doctor's office. The baby was fine then, just 2 hours before. I was having contractions two minutes apart and I was yelling, "Please Lord, help me." I am surprised I didn't clear the ER out. They told me they were going to give me something for the pain and they could hook me up to the fetal monitor. Twice they told me they can hook me up to the fetal monitor. They never did. I don't know what good it would have done except tell me the exact time Jonathan's heart stopped beating. And, that would just be another number for me to remember.
They finally got an IV started and gave me Demerol and phenergan. I had been throwing up. I guess from the pain, I don't know.The pain was still unbearable so they gave me more Demerol. During all this, they are trying to get in touch with the OB on call. He was in an emergency c section. I started bleeding pretty bad. Twice I felt large amounts of blood and told Chris I was bleeding bad. He looked and confirmed it. The ER doctor finally came in and checked me. At the ultrasound earlier in the afternoon, my cervix was totally closed. When the ER doctor checked me, my cervix was totally closed. We were still waiting on the OB to call back. I think we got to the ER close to 6 and the ER doctor checked me sometime around 7, I think. Chris is better with the time because I was in and out. At around 7:20PM, I felt a huge gush of blood. I told Chris I was bleeding bad. It was just the two of us in the room. He looked and said, "Oh my God." I knew what had happened. He yelled down the hall, "Someone get in here. My wife is bleeding and she just had the baby."
I remember just crying out, "Why God? Why is this happening?" over and over again. Chris and I just held each other and cried uncontrollably. More like sobbed uncontrollably. The ER doctor and two nurses ran in. They cut the cord and wrapped Jonathan up. The OB doctor came in shortly after that. He finished up with me then asked if he could pray with us. I asked for my baby. He was so perfect. All 10.4 ounces, 8 1/2 inches of him. He looked just like Matthew, only much smaller. He had bushy blond eyebrows and a little blond moustache. So beautiful! I held him as they carried me up to labor and delivery. When we got there, we spent a few more minutes with him. They asked if they could take him to clean him up and dress him. I was shocked. We didn't have any clothes for him. They did though, which was such a blessing. Thank you Threads of Love for the clothes and blankets. We will treasure them always.
The OB doctor on call, a different Dr.B, was surprised I never did deliver the placenta. They had given my 2 shots after the delivery to make my uterus contract, they didn't work. The anesthesiologist came in to start an epidural because Dr. B was practically laying on top of me pressing on my abdomen. It hurt as bad as the contractions. So I got an epidural and he tried again to press on my abdomen. I could still feel it so I had more meds through my epidural. After trying several times, he decided I needed a D&C. Before I went back to the OR, Chris's mom came and got to hold Jonathan too. Chris told Matthew what had happened and Matthew sobbed. I was not with Chris when he told him. It breaks my heart I couldn't hold Matthew during that time and try to comfort him. We didn't let Matthew see Jonathan. We didn't think it would be good for him. We had just buried my grandmother 2 weeks ago and he had seen her. I didn't want him to have this memory too.
Dr.B told us the placenta was embedded in scar tissue that formed after my c section with Matthew. He gave us the the run down on the possibility of a hysterectomy if he could not control the bleeding. We told him to pray I didn't have to have that but to do whatever he needed to do. The procedure went smoothly. We held Jonathan again before they moved us to another room. Jonathan had such long hands and feet. The nurses even commented on how muscular he was. I held his hand, stroked his head. I held him as tight as I could. I didn't want to let him go. The nurse came back to take him away for the night. The rest of the night, I was in and out.
We were both up and moving by 5Am Thursday. My Dr.B came in Thursday morning. She was very remorseful and apologetic. The diagnosis of the events that occurred: placental abruption. It seems that the placenta never reattached like we all that it had. Dr. B apologized for giving us false hope. She thought we were in the clear too.
I'm exhausted writing and recalling all of this, so I will stop for now. There are still a few events I want to share and I will in the next day or so. It all just happened so fast. I still have so many questions. Why didn't the doctors stop the contractions? Why didn't they hook me up to a monitor? Why didn't I turn around and go back to the hospital when the pain got worse? Why is this happening to me, to us? Jonathan looked perfect, so what am I being saved from? What was he being saved from? I could question every detail of that day all day long, but all I'm doing is driving myself crazy. It wasn't meant to be.
When the complications started back in March, I was scared. My diagnosis when I left the ER was threatened miscarriage. I balled when I saw those two words in black and white. The ER doctor then told us the possiblilty of a D & C if the bleeding didn't stop. I came home from the ER that day and googled D & C. When I read the information, I prayed to God to please spare me from that procedure. To me, it sounded just like what an abortion would be like. This baby was wanted deeply, not just by us, but by family and friends. God answered my prayer then. He spared me from the procedure. He allowed me to carry my baby and deliver him, so that I would be able to see him whole. To hold him, smell him, kiss him. I praise God for that blessing!
Jonathan is with our Savior now. I should be happy. We all want the best for our children and Jonathan has the best. He is with THE BEST. I should be jealous. But, I am selfish. I am human. I still want my baby with me. I am not angry. I am confused. I am lost. I am broken.
I know I am a child of God. I know He loves me. I know He is holding me. I know He feels my pain and sorrow. I know He willingly gave His Son so that I can have eternal life. So that Jonathan can have eternal life. So that you can have eternal life. Can you believe He gave His Son WILLINGLY? Here I am whining about my son's death and God GAVE His Son. No questions asked. What an awesome God I serve!
I have moments where I feel His comforting wrapped around me and moments when I cry out to Him in pain. Hold me God! Give me peace. Give me guidance. Give me strength. Give me hope. Strengthen my faith. Help me to praise You. To give You all the glory You deserve. You gave me a son for 20 weeks, 4 days and for that I praise You. You are an awesome God!
Jeremiah 29:10-12 " I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I use to love this song and have just thought about it the past few days. I will try to upload it later, but here are the lyrics.
If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to
Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to
One week ago today, before 7:20PM, I was pregnant. I had been pregnant for 20 weeks, 4 days. So many hopes and dreams of new life shattered. Yet at the same time, those same hopes and dreams renewed. My baby is with his true Father, the One who created him. Jonathan is whole and will never experience the pain of this world. Praise God!
Wednesday morning, May 27, 2009, was just another morning. Chris, Matthew, and I were all excited because we would be leaving for Gatlinburg, TN on Thursday. We hadn't had a family vacation in three years and were really looking forward to it. I had talked to Dr. B the previous week and she said I would be fine. My instructions were to stay hydrated, stop often on the trip there and back to walk around, expect more bleeding due to increased activity. I would see her at my next appointment, June 3.
I got up, dropped Matthew off at his summer program, and went to work. After I got to work, I started cramping a little. Nothing new. I had cramped on and off throughout the pregnancy and usually it just meant the bleeding would increase, but the baby was fine. The cramping continued throughout the morning and I took some Tylenol. It didn't seem to help. By lunch time, I called my doctor. I apologized like I always did for having to bother them. My friends and I joked about my weekly visits and how I was always calling the nurse. The nurse called me back and asked if the Tylenol had helped any, to which I responded no. Dr. B wanted me to come on in for my weekly ultrasound, so my appointment was set for 3:20. I left work around 2:15. I checked in the office at 3:15. By then the cramps were stronger. I asked if they were running on time and told the receptionist I was cramping pretty bad. By 3:45, I was in the ultrasound room. Just as I expected, Jonathan was fine. His heart rate was 150. He had good movement. He was head down, which I thought was strange. He had never been like that before. The hematoma was still there, but Jonathan's head was pressing on it. Dr. B said that is why I was cramping. I would be passing a lot more blood, hopefully the whole hematoma and by next week this would all be over with. I would be a normal pregnant woman with no complications. She told me to go home, lie down, take Tylenol, a warm bath, and apply a heating pad. So I left.
I called Chris as I left the hospital to fill him in. I started cramping so bad, I was having trouble driving. I finally made it home after breaking the speed limit. The cramping had gotten 10 times worse and I could barely stand it. I should have turned around and went back to the hospital. I told myself that as I was driving home. I didn't want to be the overreacting pregnant lady so I ignored my instincts. Chris arrived home about 20 minutes after me. By the time he came in, I was yelling, "Oh God, please help me," and crying. It only took 3 or 4 minutes for Chris to decide I was going to the ER. He called the after hours number, the doctor didn't call back. He called again when we got in the car and told them we were headed to the ER. During this time, Chris's mom had come to the house to pick up Matthew. Poor Matthew was so worried. I didn't even greet him when Chris brought him home. I couldn't talk or focus, I was hurting so bad.
On the way to the ER, I kept my eyes closed for the most part. Every time a wave of pain would hit me, I would open them to look at the clock. I then realized I was having back labor, contractions 2 minutes apart. We got to the ER. They came out and got me in a wheelchair. Chris had to go park the car and I was trying to explain to them what wass going on. I told them I had just been at the doctor's office. The baby was fine then, just 2 hours before. I was having contractions two minutes apart and I was yelling, "Please Lord, help me." I am surprised I didn't clear the ER out. They told me they were going to give me something for the pain and they could hook me up to the fetal monitor. Twice they told me they can hook me up to the fetal monitor. They never did. I don't know what good it would have done except tell me the exact time Jonathan's heart stopped beating. And, that would just be another number for me to remember.
They finally got an IV started and gave me Demerol and phenergan. I had been throwing up. I guess from the pain, I don't know.The pain was still unbearable so they gave me more Demerol. During all this, they are trying to get in touch with the OB on call. He was in an emergency c section. I started bleeding pretty bad. Twice I felt large amounts of blood and told Chris I was bleeding bad. He looked and confirmed it. The ER doctor finally came in and checked me. At the ultrasound earlier in the afternoon, my cervix was totally closed. When the ER doctor checked me, my cervix was totally closed. We were still waiting on the OB to call back. I think we got to the ER close to 6 and the ER doctor checked me sometime around 7, I think. Chris is better with the time because I was in and out. At around 7:20PM, I felt a huge gush of blood. I told Chris I was bleeding bad. It was just the two of us in the room. He looked and said, "Oh my God." I knew what had happened. He yelled down the hall, "Someone get in here. My wife is bleeding and she just had the baby."
I remember just crying out, "Why God? Why is this happening?" over and over again. Chris and I just held each other and cried uncontrollably. More like sobbed uncontrollably. The ER doctor and two nurses ran in. They cut the cord and wrapped Jonathan up. The OB doctor came in shortly after that. He finished up with me then asked if he could pray with us. I asked for my baby. He was so perfect. All 10.4 ounces, 8 1/2 inches of him. He looked just like Matthew, only much smaller. He had bushy blond eyebrows and a little blond moustache. So beautiful! I held him as they carried me up to labor and delivery. When we got there, we spent a few more minutes with him. They asked if they could take him to clean him up and dress him. I was shocked. We didn't have any clothes for him. They did though, which was such a blessing. Thank you Threads of Love for the clothes and blankets. We will treasure them always.
The OB doctor on call, a different Dr.B, was surprised I never did deliver the placenta. They had given my 2 shots after the delivery to make my uterus contract, they didn't work. The anesthesiologist came in to start an epidural because Dr. B was practically laying on top of me pressing on my abdomen. It hurt as bad as the contractions. So I got an epidural and he tried again to press on my abdomen. I could still feel it so I had more meds through my epidural. After trying several times, he decided I needed a D&C. Before I went back to the OR, Chris's mom came and got to hold Jonathan too. Chris told Matthew what had happened and Matthew sobbed. I was not with Chris when he told him. It breaks my heart I couldn't hold Matthew during that time and try to comfort him. We didn't let Matthew see Jonathan. We didn't think it would be good for him. We had just buried my grandmother 2 weeks ago and he had seen her. I didn't want him to have this memory too.
Dr.B told us the placenta was embedded in scar tissue that formed after my c section with Matthew. He gave us the the run down on the possibility of a hysterectomy if he could not control the bleeding. We told him to pray I didn't have to have that but to do whatever he needed to do. The procedure went smoothly. We held Jonathan again before they moved us to another room. Jonathan had such long hands and feet. The nurses even commented on how muscular he was. I held his hand, stroked his head. I held him as tight as I could. I didn't want to let him go. The nurse came back to take him away for the night. The rest of the night, I was in and out.
We were both up and moving by 5Am Thursday. My Dr.B came in Thursday morning. She was very remorseful and apologetic. The diagnosis of the events that occurred: placental abruption. It seems that the placenta never reattached like we all that it had. Dr. B apologized for giving us false hope. She thought we were in the clear too.
I'm exhausted writing and recalling all of this, so I will stop for now. There are still a few events I want to share and I will in the next day or so. It all just happened so fast. I still have so many questions. Why didn't the doctors stop the contractions? Why didn't they hook me up to a monitor? Why didn't I turn around and go back to the hospital when the pain got worse? Why is this happening to me, to us? Jonathan looked perfect, so what am I being saved from? What was he being saved from? I could question every detail of that day all day long, but all I'm doing is driving myself crazy. It wasn't meant to be.
When the complications started back in March, I was scared. My diagnosis when I left the ER was threatened miscarriage. I balled when I saw those two words in black and white. The ER doctor then told us the possiblilty of a D & C if the bleeding didn't stop. I came home from the ER that day and googled D & C. When I read the information, I prayed to God to please spare me from that procedure. To me, it sounded just like what an abortion would be like. This baby was wanted deeply, not just by us, but by family and friends. God answered my prayer then. He spared me from the procedure. He allowed me to carry my baby and deliver him, so that I would be able to see him whole. To hold him, smell him, kiss him. I praise God for that blessing!
Jonathan is with our Savior now. I should be happy. We all want the best for our children and Jonathan has the best. He is with THE BEST. I should be jealous. But, I am selfish. I am human. I still want my baby with me. I am not angry. I am confused. I am lost. I am broken.
I know I am a child of God. I know He loves me. I know He is holding me. I know He feels my pain and sorrow. I know He willingly gave His Son so that I can have eternal life. So that Jonathan can have eternal life. So that you can have eternal life. Can you believe He gave His Son WILLINGLY? Here I am whining about my son's death and God GAVE His Son. No questions asked. What an awesome God I serve!
I have moments where I feel His comforting wrapped around me and moments when I cry out to Him in pain. Hold me God! Give me peace. Give me guidance. Give me strength. Give me hope. Strengthen my faith. Help me to praise You. To give You all the glory You deserve. You gave me a son for 20 weeks, 4 days and for that I praise You. You are an awesome God!
Jeremiah 29:10-12 " I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I use to love this song and have just thought about it the past few days. I will try to upload it later, but here are the lyrics.
If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to
Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to
REMINDER
My doctor's office just called to about my weekly appointment tomorrow. I have had weekly appointments since my first scare back in March. As I burst into tears, I told the receptionist my baby was still born last Wednesday. There was a moment of silence and then she asked if I could hold. I waited for just a few seconds and she returned asking when I wanted to make my follow up appointment. I told her you name it and I'll be there. I really didn't care when or if I go back right now. So June 17 I will go. A few minutes after I hung up with the receptionist, my doctor called from her cell phone. She was very apologetic and said she had thought she had told everyone so I would not receive any calls. I told her it was fine, I wasn't mad. She asked if I needed anything and how I was. I do have a great doctor. She assured me when I come in for my appointment they will escort me back right away so I am not sitting in the waiting room with all the other pregnant women. I thought to myself, but I'm suppose to be one of those pregnant women. One tiny mistake is just another reminder of what I've lost.
God give me strength.
God give me strength.
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